Holding On When Faith Is Tested: Finding Strength In Moments Of Doubt

Recently, I was sadly informed that a dear and beloved friend of mine was diagnosed with a terrible illness. This came after a series of similar “pieces of news” that occurred at different times over the past year.

And then it hit me.

A sense of awareness of what is — something that hadn’t really been present before, suddenly emerged. In the midst of the great lack and the long wait for a match, it had simply faded. I found myself standing outside, looking up at the blanket of clouds spread out in the sky, and simply saying thank You.

Thank You, Creator of the world. Thank You for deciding that this would be my “story” here. Thank You that I am still searching, and how good it is that I haven’t found yet. That I still have time to linger in prayer, to refine my desires, to whisper to You what bothers me, what I cannot live with, who I am, and what my name is.

Thank You, Father, that You know me far better than I know — or will ever know myself. And You know that at this exact point, it is simply the happiest, the best, the most perfect, the most precise, the most right — and the least painful, that I remain alone. Because what is loneliness, after all, when it is with You? When it shares with You what it is going through, what it lacks, who it has not yet become?

When Acceptance Begins

What happens when you begin a process of acceptance?

First of all, the word kabbalah (acceptance) becomes kav l’Hashem — a “measure” connected to God.

In every difficult situation, there is a choice: to focus on what is missing, or on what is. Yes, you want a different kind of “what is.” You want a reality that leads directly to marriage, directly to salvation.

But what kind of reality would that be if you hadn’t gone through everything you’ve experienced until now?

You have a choice, and it shows in how you decide to receive your “package” or not receive it. If you don’t accept it, then everyone becomes guilty for your situation, and your ears grow tired just hearing the next suggestion.

When you begin true acceptance? You transform kav into Hashem.

What is a kav? It has two meanings: it is both an ancient unit of measure, and also a staff used to support walking.

When you begin a genuine process of accepting everything that is missing in your life, you start saying thank You for everything. Even if you’re not fully there yet. Even if the “thank You” comes through clenched teeth, even if in those moments you still feel pain that you’re not married and don’t have children.

Slowly, gently, the walk becomes a bit easier. Someone, or something, helps you carry your burden. You are no longer alone in your story.

You never were, but now the “staff” becomes what carries the full weight, and all that remains for you is to keep walking.

Letting Go of Pride and Resistance

The second meaning of kav is an ancient measure, and here I hear a sentence echoing: Inflation, pride, the feeling of “my power and my strength” doesn’t belong to someone seeking renewal.

We are not meant to become stagnant water that spoils over time. We are not here to return to old traits, but to refine them — to build better, more capable vessels to contain them.

Do you really want to hold on to anger or resentment? What will that do to your heart in the end? What will it do to your faith if you insist on being “right” instead of being wise?

What will it make of you as a person, as a future mother? Are these the values you want to pass on to your children — values of dwelling in pain, of “they took from me,” “they hurt me”?

If not, then this is your moment: lift your head, gather the broken pieces from the floor, take the staff in your hand, and keep walking.

You don’t want to smile? Fine. But whoever doesn’t smile will never stop asking “how?” And they will understand nothing along their path, no matter how much is explained to them.

They will walk through this world like someone blind, missing breathtaking sights that are waiting just for them.

Choosing Wholeness over Broken Substitutes

The third meaning of kav is a prosthetic leg — a replacement for something natural.

Do you want something artificial to become part of your identity? Do you want something unnatural to lead you and direct your path?

If your answer is no, then return to yourself, quickly.

Are you missing a husband? Say thank You.

Alongside everything that is missing in your life, there are also many illnesses you don’t have — and thank God for that.