Building Love Through Growth, Not Perfection

One day, a wonderful single man came to me who very much wanted to get married, but was also very afraid. He looked at me hesitantly and said, “I think I need to fix a few things before I get married… I’m not ready to enter a relationship in the state I’m in right now.”

“Fix?” I asked him. “On your own?”

“Yes,” he sighed. “I mean, I think I should work on all my issues first, and only then find the right woman… right?”

It was one of those statements that, as a friend of mine likes to say — if it weren’t so sad, it would be funny… and if it weren’t about us.

The Illusion of Perfection Before Marriage

The desire to reach perfection before entering a relationship reminds me of the well-known debate between Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai: do we increase light or decrease it?

The Sfat Emet explains, in the name of his grandfather, that the difference between them is this: according to Beit Shammai, one must first completely turn away from evil. You begin from a state of perfection, so to speak. Everything negative must be burned away immediately. There is no room for process or gradual growth.

There is a deep truth in that approach. For example, when someone is addicted to harmful substances or behaviors — whether drugs or excessive media use, and enters rehabilitation, they are not usually guided through a gradual reduction. Instead, they are expected to stop completely. This requires enormous inner strength, something that most people today simply do not have. Of course, in such cases there is no choice, and support systems are essential. But we are not talking about addiction here.

Beit Hillel, on the other hand, like Rabbi Nachman of Breslov in his famous teaching “Azamra” teaches that we must add a little good, and then a little more good. And halacha follows Beit Hillel.

Why Real Growth Cannot Happen in Sterile Conditions

In relationships too, there are people who try to follow Beit Shammai’s approach. They want everything to be perfect first: that they themselves will be fully refined after completing every possible workshop and method under the sun, and of course that their future partner will also be emotionally mature, balanced, spiritually grounded, and ideally financially stable.

Is this realistic? Probably only in the times of the Messiah, when halacha will follow Beit Shammai. Until then, such a person may meet the Messiah before they meet their intended partner.

The man I mentioned earlier began to understand that he needed a different approach.

What he realized is that before marriage, not only is a person considered “half a body” (as the Sages say), but more importantly, he may be living in a way that avoids confronting his own issues directly.

There is a difference between being a messy person who doesn’t mind clothes on the floor and dishes in the sink for a week, and being married to someone highly sensitive to order, where even dropping a bag in the living room can spark tension.

Real growth does not happen in sterile conditions. Until you get married and encounter your partner — who is wonderful and loving, yet also sometimes difficult, you haven’t truly begun your inner work.

The real correction, the real growth, begins when we face challenges and do not run away from them. In other words, when we close the escape routes.

The Power of “Adding and Growing”

This is where the beautiful approach of Beit Hillel comes into play.

We want to build a life of growth and depth, a life of continually adding goodness and truth into our relationship. More and more light.

The first condition is accepting that your partner is not perfect. That may sound obvious (“Oh, he’s definitely not perfect…”), but truly accepting it requires work.

One of our fears is: “If I accept that he’s not perfect and stop criticizing him, he’ll stay that way, or even get worse.” This fear actually harms the relationship. It prevents us from honestly facing reality and often causes us to double down on our own unrefined traits.

If I can accept that this is who I am and this is who my partner is — and that we are both in a process of adding light and goodness, then real change becomes possible.

On one hand, I’m not overwhelmed by the current situation. I believe we will build a life together. On the other hand, we don’t ignore the need for growth.

Small Steps that Create Lasting Change

This idea is reflected in the candles of Hanukkah according to Beit Hillel. We begin with one small candle, but we continually add more light.

We are always trying to increase goodness — even if it’s just a little, and even if it seems insignificant.

Even if it feels like your partner “hasn’t moved a millimeter,” ask yourself: is there any willingness? Any small effort? Any moment where they tried, even slightly?

If we learn to notice those small points of light, something powerful happens.

There is also a deeper insight in the phrase “increasing and going.” It’s not just about adding, but about continuing, and persisting.

Some people attend workshops or therapy expecting a dramatic transformation overnight — a kind of fireworks display that changes everything at once. They are often disappointed to discover that no single event can solve deep-rooted issues.

True change comes from consistency. If communication is important, then talking once, even for hours, won’t sustain a relationship. Regular, ongoing connection is what builds something real.

There is also a danger in trying to eliminate all darkness instantly, as Beit Shammai suggests. If we are not careful, that same fire can burn us.

Many people attempt drastic, immediate changes and then spend years recovering from the fallout. This is well known in dieting: someone may lose a large amount of weight quickly, but often gains it back, and sometimes even more.

What is recommended instead? A gradual lifestyle change. Balanced adjustments, including diet and physical activity.

It may be less exciting, but it is far more effective. The same is true in relationships.

Building a Relationship Over Time

We need to make decisions that build connection over the long term, and then maintain them.

Time for meaningful conversation, shared experiences, genuine interest in each other, and being true partners in every sense. Even when we fail (and we will), we get up and start again. Again and again.

We must believe and live this truth: it is possible to be “adding and growing” in a relationship. It is a gift from God, and we should embrace it fully. In fact, in our case, embrace it with four hands.

If both partners understand that they are engaged in a long-term building process, it works. If we accept that part of growth includes setbacks, and that sometimes things we thought were resolved resurface, then we can face them, work through them, and rise again.

A Blessing for Growth and Connection

I wish for all of us to merit this approach of “adding and growing” in our relationships and in all areas of life.

To believe that even a little good is truly a lot, to trust that small steps lead to greater goodness, and to stay consistent, measured, and patient.

We must learn to look at the long term, and to believe that our partner wants good, just as we do. Even when we don’t always express it well, and even when our actions hurt, often they come from a place of good intention.

May we merit that the fire between us be one that illuminates and draws us closer. Through embracing the secret of “adding and growing,” may we merit a life of balance, growth, and deep happiness.