Why Children Believe Actions, Not Words: The Secret to Real Parenting Influence

Once, during the month of Av, there was a lecture by a well-known speaker. I sat there listening alongside my father, may he live and be well. It was impressive. The speaker delivered beautifully — deep ideas, powerful examples, humor, drama, and an exceptional connection with the audience. My father greatly enjoyed the way the message was conveyed.

As we left the lecture hall, I told my father that there are certain principles in the “art of public speaking” that help a speaker succeed. But to me, the most important element is trust between the speaker and the listener. In other words, the message is accepted not just because it is true, but because the listener believes the speaker.

Does the speaker truly believe what he is saying? How emotionally connected is he to the ideas he presents so eloquently?

Information vs. Inspiration: Why It Feels Different

If the speaker were a “rabbi-doctor” explaining medical concepts within a halachic framework, I would find it easier to trust him. After all, he is sharing information based on his expertise. Just like most people don’t question their doctor’s prescription choices, I wouldn’t feel the need to question such a speaker either.

But when someone speaks about Judaism, about connection, about a relationship with Hashem — and spends nearly an hour trying to inspire me with powerful rhetoric about how important that connection is, my standard for trust is completely different. It needs to flow from within him. I need to feel it in order to accept it.

I told my father that when he speaks, I believe every word, every tone, and every breath, because I know that he truly loves what Hashem loves and dislikes what Hashem dislikes. I’ve felt that since I was a child. (When I finished expressing my admiration, he waved it off dismissively.)

When Words Come from Fear of Heaven

What’s remarkable is that this idea is found explicitly in the Gemara (Berachot 6b): “Rabbi Chelbo said in the name of Rav Huna: Any person who has fear of Heaven — his words are heard.”

It is explained (in Yalkut Lekach Tov on Vayikra, in the name of Rabbi Baruch Epstein, author of Torah Temimah) that usually, when a person’s words are not accepted, it is because others suspect him of personal bias or self-interest. But someone who truly fears Hashem speaks sincerely and without ulterior motives, and therefore, that suspicion falls away, and his words are accepted.

Why This Matters Even More with Children

After all of this, I realized something important: if this is true in the relationship between a speaker and an audience, it is even more true in our relationship with our children.

Children feel everything — far more than an audience listening to a lecture. Our relationship with them is deep and constant. They live with us in our most meaningful moments. They absorb our atmosphere. They know our weaknesses. They see what excites us and what doesn’t, what matters to us more and what less. They notice how strongly we stand behind the values we sometimes “preach” at home.

Your child is “scanning” you. He notices every expression, every reaction. And that is where the core of education happens.

Do Our Children Really Believe Us?

A father once asked me: “I’m not sure my son believes me. I think he feels I’m just trying to impress him with how I behave at home.” I asked why he felt that way. He explained that he demands many things at home, but much of it is for the children. On his own, he admitted, he wouldn’t necessarily hold himself to those same standards.

Knowing both him and his son well, I reassured him that his son does believe in him and respects him, for three reasons:

First, statistically speaking: if your son didn’t believe in you, he wouldn’t be as successful as he is in his fear of Heaven.

Second, the mitzvah of chinuch (education) does not mean your child must become exactly like you. Rather, your role is to expose him to mitzvot and guide him toward them. Chinuch means habit, guidance, direction, and instilling values — it is about giving a foundation, not perfection.

Third, quite simply, his son told me so.

The Balance Between Aspiration and Authenticity

Even if I want to lead my home in a certain spiritual direction, and I know that on my own I might not fully live up to that level — whether because of my upbringing or because I don’t yet feel worthy of it, I still have a mitzvah to educate my children according to the standard I want them to grow into.

There is only one thing I must not do: contradict that path through my behavior. Because when there is a gap between what I say and how I act, it creates a deep breach of trust, including confusion, contradiction, and doubt in the eyes of my child.

Yes, sometimes children overcome this anyway. Sometimes they grow into the very path we hoped for, even if we weren’t always consistent. Miracles do happen.

But it’s not something to rely on.