The Missing Step: Why Relationships With Adult Children Feel Unstable

Would you climb to the top floor of a building if the lower floors were unstable?

Or walk up a staircase if one of the steps felt loose and unsafe?

Most of us wouldn’t.

We would stop, fix the unstable step, and only then continue climbing, one step at a time. After all, you can’t reach the fifth step without standing securely on the fourth.

This image stayed with me during a recent visit to a community center, where I had the privilege of speaking with a group of women, many of them grandmothers, and even great-grandmothers.

They came together once or twice a week, at a stage of life where time had opened up again. This time, the topic was communication between mothers and their married children.

A Painful Reality

Even at this stage in life, the desire remains the same: to have a close, warm, and understanding relationship with their children and their families.

During the conversation, one grandmother said something that shifted the room.

“I get along fine with my grandchildren,” she said. “The problem is with my own children.”

Her hands spoke as much as her words, expressing both pain and quiet resignation. She had tried to change things, but nothing seemed to work.

“Communication with them comes with anger and disappointment,” she added. “And it affects my relationship with the grandchildren too.”

What she was really saying was this:

How can I enjoy the fifth step, the grandchildren, when the fourth step, the relationship with my children, is unstable?

How can I feel secure when a key part of the connection is missing?

Where Expectations Come In

As she spoke more, a pattern became clear.

Her expectations of her children were much higher than her expectations of her grandchildren.

From the grandchildren, she expected nothing.

From her children, she expected everything.

She expected them to respond quickly, to help when needed, to give back in the same way she gives to them.

“That’s what I do for them,” she said. “I give even before they ask.”

But the more we expect, the more room there is for disappointment.

And when those expectations aren’t met, the relationship begins to fill with frustration and hurt.

A Different Way to Give

Our conversation began with communication, but it led to something deeper.

Giving.

We often assume that if we give, the other person should give back in the same way.

But healthy giving doesn’t work like that.

Real giving is not a transaction. It doesn’t come with a hidden expectation or an unspoken scorecard.

A mother, or grandmother, gives because she wants to give. Because she wants to bring good into the lives of her children and grandchildren.

Not because she expects something in return.

Rebuilding the Missing Step

When giving becomes free of expectations, something shifts. The pressure eases. The disappointment softens. The relationship becomes lighter and more open.

And slowly, that missing step begins to rebuild itself.

Not through demands or expectations, but through patience, understanding, and a different kind of giving.

Finding Joy Again

A strong relationship with our children is what allows us to fully enjoy our grandchildren. When that middle link is steady, everything above it becomes more secure.

It’s not about lowering standards or giving less.

It’s about giving differently.

And sometimes, that change is exactly what allows us to climb again, this time with steadier steps and a lighter heart.