Perfectionism in Dating: The Hidden Block to Love

"Please let it not be him," I muttered to myself when I saw a guy standing by the third tree, just like we had agreed. Not him. Not him. I kept repeating it in my head, hoping he would just get on a bus and disappear.

"Hi."

I did not even notice he had walked up to me.

"Are you Ayelet?"

"Yeah… are you Amos?"

"Yes, nice to meet you," he said with a smile.

We started walking.

When Small Details Take Over

From the very beginning, I felt it. He was not for me. The feeling only grew stronger as the date went on. I struggled with guys who fit a certain image in my mind, and he simply did not.

When the waiter came over, I ordered quickly. Amos hesitated, then smiled again.

A moment later, he pulled something out of his pocket. My heart sank.

"My glasses," he said casually as he put them on.

I tried not to react, but inside I was already shutting down. I had been told he did not wear glasses.

"I usually wear contacts," he explained. "I just did not have time today."

It did not matter. The moment had already passed for me.

A Pattern That Keeps Repeating

The date ended, and like so many others before it, I found myself lost in thought. Not about him, but about me.

Why did this keep happening?

So many dates ended the same way. Something small. Something external. A detail about how he looked, spoke, or presented himself.

It did not matter how well things matched on paper. After one date, I was done.

That was who I was. A perfectionist.

Everything in my life reflected it. My appearance, my habits, the way I spoke, the way I noticed every detail. Anything that felt less than perfect stood out immediately, and I could not ignore it.

I knew it was holding me back. I saw others moving forward, building relationships, while I stayed stuck.

I stopped explaining my reasons to matchmakers. I stopped sharing with friends. I was tired of the reactions, and mostly tired of myself.

Reaching a Breaking Point

After a few more dates that ended the same way, I decided to stop. I needed a break. I realized that in my current state, I was only draining my energy.

Something had to change.

A Different Way to Look at Yourself

I began working with Rinat, a coach I had heard a lot about. In our first session, I was very clear.

"I want to erase perfectionism from my life," I told her.

She paused. "Erase?"

"Yes," I said. "Completely."

She smiled.

By the end of the session, I was confused. Instead of helping me remove this trait, she asked me to look at its positive sides.

It took me time to even name them.

But slowly, I began to see them. Precision. Dedication. A strong work ethic. Commitment.

For the first time, I considered that maybe this part of me was not just a flaw.

Learning to Shift the Focus

In the sessions that followed, I learned something simple but powerful.

Focus shapes reality.

When you focus only on what is missing, everything feels lacking. But when you intentionally look for what is good, something shifts.

Rinat gave me a task. Every day, find five good things about myself. And on my next date, find five good things about the person in front of me, even if my first impression was negative.

At first it felt unnatural. But gradually, something softened.

I began to feel calmer. Less critical. More open.

Growth Without Losing Yourself

A month after finishing the process, I went on another date.

The perfectionism was still there. I noticed details immediately, just like always. But this time, it did not control me.

For the first time, I understood something important. This trait was part of me. It helped me grow, achieve, and strive for more.

But I also had a choice.

I could shift my focus. I could look beyond the flaws and notice the good.

And that changed everything.

That date did not end after the first meeting. There was a second date.

Finding Balance in the Process

Perfectionism does not have to disappear in order for growth to happen. Sometimes, the goal is not to erase a trait, but to understand it, refine it, and learn how to use it in a healthier way.

In dating, as in life, balance matters.

Learning to see both the strengths and the imperfections can open the door to something real.

Nechama Bitkover is the head of the Omek HaKesher Institute, which focuses on emotional coaching for marriage and trains coaches and therapists.