Why Saying “No” Too Often Creates a Rebellious Child: A Powerful Parenting Insight

“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son, who does not listen to the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and they discipline him, but he does not listen to them.”

On the simple level, the verse is speaking about a son who does not listen to his parents. A rebellious son.

But this idea suggests reading the verse differently. Pay attention to the punctuation: “If a man has a son. He is not stubborn and rebellious. He listens to the voice of his father and the voice of his mother. But they discipline him — and he will not listen to them.”

Meaning: a man has a son, and the son is not stubborn or rebellious. He is a wonderful child, attentive, obedient, and walking on the right path. The verse continues: he listens to the voice of his father and mother. He is every parent’s dream.

When “No” Becomes the Turning Point

But then comes the turn in the story: “and they discipline him.” The parents forbid him from doing things. He asks, and they quickly answer, “No.” Why? Just because. Because they do not have patience for the mess, because they do not have time or energy, because it is easier to say “no” to a child’s requests than to say “yes.”

And then the verse concludes: “and he will not listen to them.”

Suddenly, the wonderful son changes. He is no longer so wonderful. Suddenly he rebels. He no longer listens to them or follows their voice. He does whatever he feels like doing, not what they believe is good for him.

This is powerful. So powerful, and so true.

A Parenting Principle: Say Yes

My father and teacher, Rabbi Zamir Cohen, would tell us: to a child, we always say yes. To every request. There are only two cases in which we say no: when the request is dangerous to the child’s body, such as letting a child play in the street because he wants to, or when the request is dangerous to his soul and spirituality, such as being connected to harmful content.

But for every other request, the answer should be yes.

Yes, even when it is not convenient for us. Yes, even when it requires something from us. Yes, even when it is not our taste or style and we would have preferred something else. Yes. Yes. Yes.

What a Child Needs to Feel

A child needs to feel and know that the only consideration guiding his parents and educators is his own good. They are thinking only of him: what will be good for him, what will build him, what will help him live a healthier and more beautiful life. There should be no consideration of their own convenience, and certainly no considerations of ego or honor.

The Pressure That Leads to Rebellion

When a child receives one prohibition after another, when he has to grit his teeth and give up again and again on his dreams and wishes because his parents forbid them, the spring is pushed lower and lower. Eventually, it bursts upward. He becomes a rebellious son, even if at first he was a child who “listened to the voice of his father and mother.”

When To Say No?

What should be allowed, and what should be forbidden? It is difficult to write one set of rules for everyone. It depends on the child, the family, the environment, and the situation.

But before every “no,” think a thousand times: Can this harm the child’s body, soul, or spirit?

If not, then the answer is yes.