When Grandparents Don’t Share Your Values: A Guide for Raising Children with Respect and Clarity

We’ve been on a teshuvah journey for several years now and live a very traditional lifestyle. My mother comes for Shabbat, but she doesn’t respect the rules of our home. How should I relate to her, and how should I handle this in front of the children?

You are describing a situation in which your mother visits for Shabbat and does not respect the values and boundaries you are trying to instill in your children.

Your position in this story is complex and interesting. On the one hand, you are a mother whose role is to guide, educate, and set a direction. On the other, you are also a daughter who must honor and respect her own mother.

This is not a contradiction, but an opportunity.

We often think that children are educated only through what they see, but they are much more perceptive than that. They pick up on sensitivities, tensions, and criticism — even when nothing is said out loud, but simply felt in the atmosphere.

Therefore, when your mother comes for Shabbat, remember that you are also a daughter. You have an obligation to honor your mother and respect her place. Notice that what you fear most may actually be one of your greatest opportunities for growth.

Think about the educational benefits you can gain from this:

1. Honoring parents – You have the opportunity to fulfill the mitzvah of honoring your mother.

2. Educating your children – When children see that their mother respects their grandmother, what message does that send them?

3. Understanding priorities – Who comes first? What is the place of parents in relation to children? Parents come before children.

These are foundational values that can accompany your children throughout their lives.

What about the education you’re trying to give your children? Don’t worry. Your children are growing up with you. They breathe in your atmosphere and absorb your values. They know very well what matters to you, what is important and meaningful in your eyes, and what disappoints you. They see what you are willing to compromise on, and what you are not.

It may be worth considering how often these visits take place. But when they do happen, the less pressure you put on yourself to control everything so that “nothing gets ruined,” the more available you will be to teach your children how to navigate real-life situations, especially when things don’t align with their expectations.

In other words, instead of trying to change Grandma, teach your children how to respond when reality doesn’t match their values. You can say: “This is not how we behave on Shabbat, but we are not here to educate Grandma.”

Of course, when necessary, it is important to consult a knowledgeable rabbi or halachic authority.

Noa Harel is a parenting guide and a couples and personal counselor using the Shefer approach.