Is My Child Shy or Disobedient? Understanding Why Some Children Avoid Simple Tasks

“I bought a gift for my daughter’s teacher. I sent it with my daughter, but she brought it back home. This happens quite often: she does not give the teacher the note, and she will not ask the neighbor for milk even when I tell her to go. I do not know whether it comes from fear or from lack of discipline. What should I do with her?”

Very often, parents struggle with questions whose answers can actually come from the child — if only we know how to communicate with them properly.

When your daughter brings home something you asked her to deliver, you probably ask: “Why didn’t you give it to her?” But it is possible that because you are upset, you are not really listening carefully to her answer.

What does she say? Listen closely, because her words may shed light on the situation.

Does she answer: “The neighbor wasn’t home”?
Or: “I didn’t feel comfortable asking her”?
Or does she simply shrug her shoulders and say nothing?

Her answer — and the way she responds, can help you understand why she did not do what was asked.

Perhaps she is embarrassed to approach other people. Perhaps she is afraid someone will speak to her and she will not know how to answer properly, politely, or in the way she thinks her parents expect her to respond. Perhaps she resists because she feels that she is always the one being asked to do these things.

Quiet or shy children often have a harder time speaking up and explaining themselves. That is why we, as parents, need to help give words to their feelings — with respect for the child, with a genuine desire to hear them, and with the intention of helping rather than judging them.

Menucha Fuchs is an author and parenting education expert.