“What Is Wrong With Me?”: The Pain So Many Singles Carry

She called me late one evening, a phone call I had been anxiously waiting for all day. The moment I answered, I heard her crying so hard that I immediately understood what had happened.

“He said no…” she whispered through tears.

The crying was so intense she could barely continue speaking, but honestly, she did not need to explain much. The heartbreak was already painfully clear.

Then came the question so many singles quietly carry inside:

“What is wrong with me? Why does nobody want to meet me again? Why do they always say no after the first date?”

I swallowed hard because I knew the painful truth: there was nothing wrong with her.

A Girl Full of Kindness and Faith

I have known this girl for years, and she is one of the most special people I have ever met.

She began her journey of teshuvah as a teenager after growing up in a non observant home. Through years of searching for truth, she slowly built a life of Torah, faith, and sincerity.

Today, she is someone overflowing with kindness, generosity, and sensitivity toward others. A person who genuinely wants to help everyone around her. Someone people naturally love being close to.

And yes, she is beautiful too. Modest, elegant, self aware, thoughtful. Truly a wonderful girl by every measure.

Which is exactly why the situation feels so painful and confusing.

Because despite all of this, the same story keeps repeating itself.

Another Date, Another Rejection

A suggestion comes. People speak highly of her. A date is arranged.

The meeting seems pleasant enough.

And then comes another polite rejection:
“He didn’t feel a connection.”

Again.

And again.

And again.

Over the years, we have analyzed these dates endlessly together, trying to understand what keeps happening. But no matter how much we talk, the answer never really comes.

At some point, repeated rejection starts becoming more than disappointment. It turns into humiliation. Into fear. Into exhaustion.

The Fear of Hearing “No” Again

Today, after so many painful experiences, she can barely bring herself to date anymore.

“How much bitterness can a person swallow?” I find myself wondering.

Most of the time, she takes long breaks between suggestions simply to protect her heart from more pain.

And even then, every rejection still reopens the same wounds:
Maybe I am not enough.
Maybe something about me pushes people away.
Maybe no one will ever truly want me.

And this, to me, is the cruelest part of all, because those thoughts are simply not true.

A Pain Few People Truly Understand

Over the years, I have realized that people who have never experienced prolonged singleness often cannot fully understand this pain.

Yes, pain is pain. But this kind of loneliness carries something uniquely heavy.

Watching friends build homes and families while you continue waiting year after year can create enormous emotional exhaustion. The uncertainty. The loneliness at the end of the day. The endless wondering when, or if, your turn will finally come.

And sometimes, no comforting sentence really helps anymore.

“Cry to Hashem”

There was a time I tried offering encouraging responses after every failed date.

“At least he said no now instead of later,” I would tell her.

But eventually I understood that when pain becomes this deep, words often stop helping.

Now, when she cries, sometimes all I can say is:

“Cry to Hashem. Pour everything out.”

Because I truly believe there is no gate that can stand against the tears of a Jewish woman praying from the depths of her heart.

“It’s Not You”

And maybe that is the message I most want every single girl carrying this pain to hear:

It is not you.

Not every rejection means something is flawed or missing within you.

Not every “no” is proof that you are unworthy, unattractive, or unlovable.

There is Someone running this world. And shidduchim do not always follow logic we can understand.

You can be beautiful, kind, talented, giving, spiritual, and deeply special and still find yourself waiting longer than expected.

That waiting is painful. Sometimes unbearably painful.

But it does not change your value.

Learning to Stay Standing

I know how easy it is after rejection to replay every detail:
Maybe it was what I wore.
Maybe it was something I said.
Maybe I sounded awkward.
Maybe I was not pretty enough.

But I wish every girl could remember: your worth is not decided by whether one person chose a second date.

Rabbi Nachman of Breslov teaches about the power of remaining silent during humiliation and pain, trusting Hashem even when life feels deeply confusing.

That does not mean the pain disappears.

It simply means we continue walking forward while holding onto Him.

“You Are the Best in the World”

And so, to every girl gathering herself back together after another disappointment, another rejection, another painful phone call, I want to say one thing from the bottom of my heart:

You are not broken.

You are not unwanted.

And despite everything you may currently feel, you are deeply precious.

Truly.

You are the best in the world.