A Guide to Shiva, Memorial Gatherings, and Comfort After Loss

It is customary to hold a memorial gathering (azkara) for the deceased during the mourning period, after thirty days, and on the yearly yahrzeit. Some families also hold a gathering after eleven months.

Vidui at a Shiva Memorial Gathering

When a seventh-night memorial gathering is held in a synagogue, with the community assembled for Mincha, Maariv, Torah teachings, and eulogies, the confession prayer (Vidui) and Nefilat Apayim are omitted during Mincha.

Ovadia Yosef once personally ruled this way during a memorial gathering in Netivot for Rabbi Shlomo Mazuz, with the agreement of the rabbis present.

Sitting During Shiva Gatherings

At large synagogue gatherings during the seventh night of shiva, the custom is generally for mourners to sit on chairs rather than on the floor.

Still, some choose to be stricter and sit on low stools or close to the ground, as was done by members of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef’s family during the shiva for Rabbi Yaakov Yosef.

What Is the Real Purpose of an Azkara?

The text strongly emphasizes that many people mistakenly think the main purpose of a memorial gathering is the meal. In reality, the goal is spiritual elevation for the deceased through:

• Proper blessings recited with concentration

• Torah study

• Inspiration and spiritual growth

• Strengthening mitzvah observance

The Pele Yoetz warns that if people eat carelessly without blessings, instead of bringing elevation to the soul, they may cause spiritual pain.

For this reason, the text encourages families to reduce extravagant catering expenses and focus instead on Torah and meaningful spiritual impact.

A More Meaningful Memorial

Rather than lavish meals, families are encouraged to:

• Invite Torah scholars to speak words of inspiration

• Share uplifting Torah ideas

• Encourage growth in mitzvot and faith

• Distribute meaningful Torah booklets or recordings

The prophet says: “Take words with you and return to Hashem” (Hoshea 14:3)

The emphasis is on what people “take with them” spiritually after the gathering ends.

Food and Blessings at the Gathering

If refreshments are served, it is recommended to provide foods requiring different blessings:

• Mezonot

• Ha’etz

• Ha’adamah

• Shehakol

• Various fragrant spices

Organizers should encourage everyone to recite blessings aloud and properly.

If bread is served and some guests may not wash hands or recite Birkat Hamazon properly, it is preferable to use sweet rolls that are halachically considered mezonot.

At the end of the gathering, one person may recite the final blessing aloud on behalf of everyone.

Eating in a Synagogue

A regular meal should not be held inside the synagogue sanctuary itself. Instead, it should take place in an adjacent room or hall.

Light refreshments are permitted since they are considered casual eating.

Even when a meal for a mitzvah is technically allowed in a synagogue, idle conversation remains forbidden because of the sanctity of the place.

Birkat Hamazon During Shiva

If a bread meal is held during the seventh-night memorial, everyone present recites the mourner’s version of Birkat Hamazon, even if the meal is not physically taking place inside the mourner’s home.

Concluding the Shiva

On the morning of the seventh day, after Shacharit, verses of consolation are recited to formally conclude the shiva.

Even if these verses are not recited, the mourner exits the formal status of shiva once rising from sitting.

If the seventh day falls on Shabbat, the verses should preferably be recited before Baruch She’amar so the mourner may receive aliyot and participate fully in the service.

Visiting the Cemetery

It is customary to visit the grave:

• At the conclusion of shiva

• On the thirtieth day

• On each yearly yahrzeit

Visitors should state that their Torah learning is for the elevation of all Jewish souls buried there, especially the specific deceased relative. Tehillim, Mishnayot, and Kaddish are commonly recited.

Kohanim and Cemetery Visits

Kohanim visiting cemeteries must remain at least four tefachim (approximately 32 cm) away from graves.

Women Visiting Cemeteries

Families whose custom is for women to visit cemeteries and recite Tehillim may continue doing so, even during menstruation. Pregnant women may also attend if remaining outside would cause distress.

The text strongly stresses the importance of modest dress during cemetery visits.

“One Must Know What to Cry About”

Ovadia Yosef explained that the purpose of mourning is not endless crying, but spiritual awakening and prayer for mercy on behalf of the deceased soul.

He taught that after death, a person stands before the Heavenly Court with no defense other than his good deeds. Therefore, the prayers of the living are incredibly meaningful.

Rather than crying aimlessly, mourners should:

• Recite Tehillim

• Pray sincerely

• Ask Hashem to show mercy

• Cry in prayer and spiritual connection

As the Sages say: “The gates of tears are never locked.”

Bathing After Shiva

After shiva ends, Sephardic custom permits bathing immediately in hot water with soap.

Ashkenazi custom traditionally avoids pleasurable bathing during the thirty days, though bathing in cold water with soap is permitted, especially in hot climates where hygiene is important.

Torah as the Greatest Consolation

The text concludes by emphasizing that there is no greater comfort than Torah study.

As King David wrote: “Had Your Torah not been my delight, I would have perished in my suffering.” (Tehillim 119:92)

Torah learning helps a person move beyond sorrow and brings inner calm and joy. Women as well are encouraged to occupy themselves with Tehillim, Tanach, and uplifting Torah teachings so they are not consumed entirely by grief.

A Moving Story About Comforting a Child

A heartbreaking story is told about Ovadia Yosef comforting a nine-year-old boy who had lost his mother and had stopped speaking entirely from grief.

Rabbi Ovadia embraced the child warmly and told him: “I also lost my mother when I was young… and later I lost my wife too. But Torah comforted me.”

He encouraged the child to begin memorizing Mishnayot in memory of his mother and promised that Torah would bring him comfort.

For the first time since the funeral, the child finally spoke: “Yes, I promise.”