Dear Matchmaker: What Singles Wish You Understood

There are moments in the world of shidduchim when you simply do not know how to respond.

How should you react to another disappointing suggestion? How do you process the mixture of hope, embarrassment, exhaustion, and faith that accompanies the journey year after year? And how do you continue opening your heart while trying not to become discouraged along the way?

Over the years, I have experienced many painful and uncomfortable moments with matchmakers. Moments when I lacked the strength to explain just how deeply certain suggestions hurt. But after a long personal journey, there are things I wish more matchmakers truly understood.

Dear Matchmaker, Please Remember We Appreciate You

First, it is important to say this clearly: singles genuinely appreciate matchmakers.

We appreciate the calls, the effort, the concern, and the desire to help another Jewish home be built. If we did not appreciate you, we would never turn to you in the first place.

Both the matchmaker and the single person come into the process with hope and longing. The matchmaker wants to help build a home in Israel, and the single person wants that very same dream, perhaps more than anyone else.

We are walking toward the same destination, even if our experiences along the road are very different.

Not Every Suggestion Needs to Be Made

At the same time, sensitivity matters deeply.

Not every suggestion should automatically be offered simply to prove that “something is being done.” Sometimes the pressure to constantly suggest matches can cause real emotional pain.

There are moments when doing less is actually wiser than rushing to act.

A single person is not just another name on a list or another profile in a database. Every person carries a world within them: hopes, disappointments, values, fears, dreams, and emotional experiences that cannot be summarized in a short registration form.

Before suggesting a match, it is worth pausing and asking:
Is this suggestion truly thoughtful?
Is it respectful?
Could it unintentionally hurt the person receiving it?

Sometimes sensitivity itself becomes the greatest act of kindness.

Older Singles Are Not “Leftovers”

One of the strongest messages that needs to be said openly is this:

Older singles are not less valuable.

People in their 30s, 40s, and beyond are often deeply self-aware, emotionally mature, thoughtful, and refined through years of life experience. Like fine wine, many people grow richer and wiser with time.

Yes, older singles may know themselves more clearly and may be more careful about what they are looking for. But that does not make them “difficult” or “too picky.”

It simply means they understand themselves better.

Standards Are Not the Same as Arrogance

Sometimes singles are criticized for wanting certain qualities in a future spouse, whether it involves education, personality, values, Torah learning, appearance, or lifestyle.

But wanting compatibility is not arrogance.

If someone values education, it may reflect the environment they grew up in and the life they hope to build. If another person dreams of marrying a Torah scholar, a professional, or someone with specific character traits, that does not automatically make them unrealistic.

People are allowed to pray for what speaks to their hearts.

Ultimately, Hashem guides every person toward the path meant for them. Matchmakers may serve as messengers, but they are not the authors of someone else’s destiny.

Singles Are Not “Too Picky”

The article compares the shidduch process to checking rice before cooking it.

When someone carefully examines rice for anything unsuitable, nobody calls them difficult or unreasonable. They simply understand that the person wants clean, kosher food prepared properly.

In the same way, singles carefully examine the suggestions brought to them because they hope to build a healthy, meaningful Jewish home.

That process should not automatically be labeled as selfishness or excessive pickiness.

A person who has remained committed to their values, boundaries, and spiritual standards throughout years of waiting deserves understanding and respect, not judgment.

Marriage Is Also From Hashem

One particularly painful issue many singles struggle with is the feeling that married people are automatically viewed as more successful, more righteous, or more spiritually accomplished.

But marriage itself is also a gift from Hashem.

Just as one person’s marriage was guided by Divine providence, another person’s continued waiting is also part of Hashem’s plan, even when it is difficult to understand.

Being single does not make someone spiritually deficient or less worthy.

Every person is walking the path Hashem has chosen for them at this stage of life.

More Than Matchmaking

Sometimes what singles need most is not another rushed suggestion.

Sometimes they need encouragement.
Sensitivity.
A listening ear.
A reminder that they are valuable exactly as they are.

A kind word, genuine respect, and sincere faith in a person’s future can strengthen someone far more than another unsuitable proposal ever could.

Perhaps the role of a matchmaker is not only to help create a happy ending, but also to bring dignity, hope, and compassion into the journey itself.

Because every soul deserves to feel seen, respected, and believed in while waiting for the home Hashem is preparing for them.