Breaking Free from Stereotypes: A Personal Journey

Each of us strives to be as accurate as possible in our own way, and while this isn't the first time I've insisted on that word, I have a good reason to do so.

You see, everything in this world is a matter of precision, especially when it comes to matters of salvation. After all, for Hashem, nothing is hard, so what did the poet mean when he wrote that finding a person’s match is as difficult as splitting the Red Sea?

Over the years, I've encountered various interpretations, but it seems the explanation I received today, through personal experience, ‘surpasses them all.’ It doesn’t happen often that I stop for a feverish soul-searching confrontation with my Creator, not just on Yom Kippur, but it happened today when I asked for a small sign to understand that I am indeed on the right path and not misleading myself or others.

Before I delve into the details and share what the sign I received was and why I’m so grateful to Hashem for revealing my truth – between Him and me, in the privacy of my own thoughts, unseen by anyone – let me tell you that it all began with an accusatory finger pointed at me, claiming: "You don’t really want to get married; you want to stay alone."

In those moments, hand on heart, I wanted to run to a place with no return. Far from the critical eyes of people who rush to pull the trigger even when they have no clue what they are talking about.

I hate being boxed into predefined definitions, into neat paradigms of penny psychology. I loathe that decisions are made for me and for all singles out there about how we ought to behave to 'break free' from the chains of singleness. Believe me, I am not the only one shouting this plea, and I am not the only one feeling this heavy burden.

I feel chosen to voice the tough realities that single women face on their journeys, without anyone truly understanding the subtle nuances of the soul within this experience. The nuances that require us to swallow so much, we are almost choking on them. Reflection, soul-searching, a deep understanding of who I am at a certain point in time, and admitting mistakes – these are the things that have accompanied me from the very first moment I turned to the Creator, thank God. Throughout my long journey, my notebooks filled up one after another with exercises I did for myself to get to know me better.

Real Help Can Only Come When One Understands the People Involved

To know what I love, what I hate, what speaks to me, what doesn’t, what ‘burns’ within me to say, and what I prefer to remain silent about – and so many other questions meant to clarify me against myself, before my Creator, against the shortcomings and strengths within me, and against the other.

"Creator of the World," I let out the cry of my life just after I felt that my sensitivity threshold was about to burst at the critical judgment from people who don’t know me. Who don't really know how to give me the help I need. "Please, give me the truth. You know I didn’t come this far to lie to myself, so help me. Show me whether I truly want to stay alone. Is the justice with me, or with that accusing finger pointed at me?" I cried, finding myself reaching for the first book within arm’s reach.

The book – "Azamra!" – is an interpretation of the well-known teachings of Rabbi Nachman of Breslov in section 192. "And He divided the night among them," the title caught my eye, in bold black letters that were impossible to miss. The passage spoke about the secret power of midnight, first discovered by Abraham Avinu as he fought against the four kings to rescue his nephew Lot from their hands.

It is said that the victory over the kings, the forces of darkness and night, is not possible without the good point embodied in the kindness that Abraham, who "always turned to the measure of love," possessed.

Just like me, who still believes in the power of love – Hashem's love for me, knowing that in everything He guides me through, there is wisdom beyond that of human understanding. No, I am not fooling myself by saying that one cannot learn from someone wiser or more experienced than oneself. Those who know me understand I am the last one to say or think such a thing. I am someone who believes in work, believes in endless learning, believes in daily soul-searching, and from that, my entire reality pulses.

The Opposite of What Abraham Avinu Represents

But to come and pull the trigger of criticism in the name of 'knowledge' – when in reality you don’t know me and have no idea about what I’ve gone through or what I am still experiencing on my journey – forgive me, but that is certainly not the way to offer help. Help can only be given by someone who understands who the active souls are in this story, only when they know the structure of the soul not by the dry rules of general psychology, but according to the person standing before them.

And the 'Azamra' continues to whisper the answer I already knew and so longed to ‘hear’ in those moments: "The forces of the Sitra Achra always try to overcome the good point, but Hashem does not abandon it to their hands. He provided the kindness inherent in Abraham with enough strength to aid in Lot’s rescue, along with Lot’s own good point. Only a bit of good is needed to eradicate the evil."

And then, another title faces me – black on bold white, from which I cannot escape: "The Exact Point of Midnight." Now I knew where the truth lay: why is it so crucial to know the precise moment of midnight? Does it really matter at what point in the night Abraham fights against the forces of evil?! He has already received the powers of kindness and love, the merit, and the sight of the good points of this entire situation – so why does it matter at which point he will come out to battle them? Why is the word ‘precision’ following me even here?

"In its essence, redemption depends on the ability to determine precisely the exact moment of midnight," it says. Do you hear that? This is not something I said or wrote. I had no idea that precision is strongly and intimately connected to redemption’s essence.

"When the 'weight' of sleep threatens to engulf him entirely, and the darkness is at its peak - threatening to swallow him whole due to all his sins and flaws. However, precisely at this moment, at the most critical point, the good turnaround comes: Hashem, in His full compassion, illuminates him and awakens him, causing him to remember the good points within him, and thus he returns to life."

Now do you understand why one shouldn't say everything just because it seems we are helping? Who knows at what level of ‘weight’ the sleep is with the person before you, who knows how much darkness is threatening to swallow them whole, who knows to what catastrophic fall they could be headed... only a single word of carelessness, one small word that hurts feelings, one small word of insensitivity, one small word of lack of love, one small word of lack of kindness.

Exactly the opposite of what Abraham Avinu represents!

Don’t Fall into the Honey Trap of 'My Strength and Might'

So what do you need to do to truly help, to bring about genuine redemption and essence? Simply put: be more precise. Don’t just shoot off answers from the hip, even if it has worked for you countless times before. Don’t be automatic in your field of expertise. Don’t fall for the temptation to project that you know everything, that you’ve helped dozens of people reach a certain state.

It could be that you have amazing tools to assist others, but don’t fall into the honey trap of 'my strength and might' that did this for me, and don’t be tempted to drag the person before you into a chasm from which they cannot rise.

You don’t want to be the ones responsible for such a fall, one that’s prolonged, that’s total... for any Jewish person in the world.

It’s better to say a little less, and pray a bit more prayers so that if you are going to talk, your words have a real purpose. A purpose that never disappoints.

And the 'Azamra' concludes with its sweet, honeyed words, which strengthen so much, elevating from the depths to the heights, and whispers in my ear: "King David knew when the point of midnight was, through his harp, through his knowledge of his melody. King David is the Messiah through whom complete redemption will come, redemption that will put an end to all exiles and lift all falls.

"It will come through the service and praises of the Messiah of the God of Jacob, who loves to sing."

I am small in my knowledge of song, but at least I am trying to find the path to my unique melody in the world, just as every one of us singles (including the single men) is. No one knows when it will happen, with whom, or how, but to Hashem are the answers! When the Creator decides it is time to save, He will command the attribute of kindness and love to stand amidst the great darkness, against the troops of the kingdom of evil. Then, at the peak of overcoming the greatest sadness, loneliness, and more – with the help of one good point found in each and every one of us singles, redemption will come. In fact, it is already here.

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