What Braces Taught Me About Parenting: Why Children Cannot Grow Through Pressure and Force

A few years ago, we took our daughter to an orthodontist to straighten her teeth.

The doctor examined her carefully, took several X-rays, and eventually returned with what felt like a full medical verdict: A few months with a palate expander. Several more months with headgear. A full year of braces. And afterward, rubber bands and retainers for a few additional months.

And, of course, the entire process would cost us “only” 20,000 shekels.

The doctor finished explaining the treatment plan, and all of us quietly entered a mild state of depression, each for our own reasons.

But my daughter was especially disturbed by one part of the process: the headgear.

She looked at the orthodontist and asked: “Isn’t there another way to straighten teeth without this thing? Just take a hammer and let’s get it over with…”

The doctor smiled politely but refused to cooperate with the idea. “I’m sorry,” he said. “You cannot straighten teeth with a hammer. To straighten teeth, you need different tools. Tools that require time, patience, and consistency. It’s uncomfortable, it’s unpleasant, but eventually it will be worth it. There are no shortcuts, and there is no other way.”

While he was speaking, I was still trying to recover emotionally from hearing the price. But at the same time, I remember thinking: I am going to use that sentence someday as a metaphor for education.

In parenting and education, you also cannot work with hammers.

Education Is a Process, Not a Shortcut

“Do not strike the rock. Speak to it.”

Real education, like orthodontics, is a process. It requires patience, consistency, persistence, gentleness, and a willingness to work slowly over time.

It is not always comfortable. It is not always pleasant. And sometimes progress feels painfully slow. But ultimately, there are no shortcuts. And there is no other way.

Lesson One: Stop Looking for Someone to Blame

As I thought more about the braces process, I realized there were several deeper parenting lessons hidden inside it.

The first lesson is this: Do not take crooked teeth personally.

At some point, it becomes obvious that opening an investigation into which parent contributed which genes is completely irrelevant. Blaming past mistakes or searching for fault changes nothing.

The only useful question is: “What do we do now in order to help?”

The same is true in education. The mindset of constantly searching for blame is usually unhelpful and unproductive. Obsessing over mistakes, failures, or past parenting errors rarely moves the child forward.

Our role is not to endlessly analyze the damage. Our role is to become part of the healing and growth process by learning which tools are appropriate for this particular child and situation.

Lesson Two: Every Child Needs a Different Kind of “Straightening”

No two children receive exactly the same orthodontic treatment.

Each child requires different adjustments, different timing, different sensitivities, different pressure levels, and different forms of support.

The same is true in education. Every child has unique strengths, sensitivities, emotional needs, and challenges. Comparison only causes damage.

“Copy and paste” parenting does not work because children are not identical. What helps one child may deeply hurt another. The moment we constantly compare children to siblings or peers, we stop truly seeing the child standing in front of us.

Lesson Three: Cooperation Is Essential

Orthodontic treatment succeeds only when the child cooperates.

The child must maintain hygiene, wear the rubber bands, and follow instructions consistently. Without cooperation, the process becomes far more difficult and can even create additional problems.

Education works the same way. When a child feels like an active partner in the process rather than a passive project being “fixed,” there is hope for real growth.

That is why one of the greatest tasks of parenting is learning how to recruit children into their own success through meaning, connection, belonging, trust, and a healthy emotional relationship.

Lesson Four: Different Children Need Different Things

Even though we invested a large amount of money in our daughter’s braces, her siblings did not become jealous or demand expensive orthodontic treatment for themselves.

Why?

Because they understood something simple: This was what she needed right now. Her receiving special treatment did not mean they were neglected or less loved. There is a separate category for medical needs.

This lesson applies deeply to parenting as well.

Sometimes one child is struggling emotionally, behaviorally, socially, or spiritually, and that child may require extraordinary amounts of attention, warmth, patience, or emotional closeness.

When parents respond to that child with exceptional love and support, it is important to explain the situation properly to the other siblings so they do not feel:

“The child who behaves badly gets rewarded.”
or
“Why does he receive special treatment?”

Children need help understanding that parents sometimes make broader decisions based on individual emotional needs and not because one child is “better” or “worse.”

No Hammers

Perhaps that is the deepest lesson of all.

Teeth are not straightened with hammers, and souls are not healed with force.

Children grow through patience, connection, wisdom, consistency, and love.

May we merit to raise our children with gentle hearts, patient hands, and enough wisdom to remember that true growth always takes time. And may we all merit a beautiful, healthy smile — built through patience and love.