They Loved Each Other: So Why Did They Fight So Much?

“I think he feels something very special for you,” Ofra, my future mother-in- law, once told me.

What she did not know was that only hours earlier, her son and I had been in the middle of a terrible argument.

“It was a fight filled with despair,” Merav recalls. “A feeling of helplessness and darkness. But her words gave me hope that maybe, from the outside at least, people could still see the strong foundation we had.”

Merav and her future husband did not grow up in religious homes. They entered their relationship without guidance or tools for building a healthy Jewish partnership.

“We Were Screaming at Each Other”

“We were like two people screaming in two completely different languages,” Merav says. “And neither of us understood the other. Literally screaming.”

She admits they made serious mistakes throughout their relationship.

“We broke up dozens of times because we were convinced things simply were not working,” she says. “Looking back, it was like throwing away a brand new device because you tried using it without reading the instructions.”

The constant cycle of arguments and reconciliations took a painful emotional toll.

“There were sleepless nights, endless phone calls, emotional exhaustion, and so much confusion,” she recalls. “Most of it came from not understanding what a real partnership actually means.”

Discovering Judaism’s Approach to Marriage

Everything began to change the first time Merav heard Rabbi Rabbi Zamir Cohen describe marriage as following the “manufacturer’s instructions.”

“When I heard that phrase, I felt like I had finally come home,” she says. “Suddenly there was hope.”

But despite the inspiration, the road ahead was still not simple.

“There were many setbacks,” she says. “But we stopped despairing because we realized there was a solution: learning what Judaism teaches about building a healthy and joyful marriage.”

“The World Told Us to Throw Things Away”

Merav says the messages she absorbed from modern culture made relationships even harder.

“We saw so many people around us wandering without direction,” she explains. “The media constantly teaches that marriage is outdated and that when something breaks, you simply throw it away.”

She says divorce often seemed to be presented as an easy solution whenever relationships became difficult.

“No one explained to us the spiritual depth and holiness of marriage in Judaism,” she says. “No one taught us that marriage requires work, but that it is meaningful work that brings beautiful results.”

“I Thought His Personality Was a Problem”

As Merav began learning more about relationships through Torah teachings, her perspective slowly changed.

“I started listening to lectures about marriage, and it felt like cold water for a thirsty soul,” she says. “For the first time, I felt understood.”

One of her biggest realizations was learning to understand the differences between men and women more compassionately.

“I used to think my husband’s personality traits were flaws,” she admits. “For example, he is naturally more introverted, and I viewed that negatively. No one ever explained to me that this is simply part of how Hashem created him.”

At the same time, she struggled with her own sensitivity.

“I always thought my emotional nature was a weakness,” she says. “Only later did I understand that sensitivity also has an important role and purpose.”

One lecture in particular left a strong impression on her.

“I was convinced they were describing my husband specifically,” she says with a smile. “Then I realized many men share those same traits. It brought me enormous relief and hope.”

Marriage Is Ongoing Work

After the couple finally married, Merav assumed the difficult stage was over.

“Something definitely calmed down after the wedding,” she says. “But I mistakenly thought we had already learned everything we needed.”

Later, as the couple waited longer than expected to have children, Merav signed up for additional workshops on marriage and building a Jewish home.

“Only now can I see the Divine Providence in that period,” she reflects. “Maybe Hashem wanted us to become more prepared before becoming parents.”

The deeper she learned, the more she realized she still had room to grow.

“I truly believed I was already the perfect wife,” she says honestly. “I had no idea how many mistakes I was still making.”

But instead of feeling discouraged, she found the learning process empowering.

“Every lesson improved our lives in practical ways,” she says. “We learned how to regulate our reactions and understand each other more deeply.”

“Our Home Is Built With Joy”

Today, Merav looks back with gratitude.

“Thank Hashem, we have a joyful and healthy home,” she says. “We are blessed with five sweet children and are raising them with love.”

She believes their marriage could have looked very different had they never invested in learning and growth.

“We still have disagreements and challenges,” she says. “But now we understand how to work through them.”

Above all, she says she feels grateful for the Torah guidance that helped shape their relationship.

“Our home is built with joy and gratitude to Hashem.”