The Secret to Real Influence: Why People Need Love Before They Need Advice

I have a dear friend, a righteous man who dedicates himself to helping others grow spiritually. He is involved in many outreach activities, both for those who are distant from Jewish observance and for those who are already close. In truth, the difference between the two is often smaller than we imagine, and many of the same principles apply to both.

One day, my friend asked for my opinion about a woman who had become observant and was struggling.

She had been on her spiritual journey for several years. At first, everything had felt exciting and inspiring. But now, the initial enthusiasm was fading. Suddenly, everything felt much harder.

She still lived in her parents' home, and they strongly opposed the spiritual path she had chosen. Every day she faced challenges involving kashrut, Shabbat observance, and many other temptations. In the beginning, she had managed to overcome these obstacles relatively easily. She studied, prayed, and felt uplifted.

But recently, she found herself stumbling. She felt broken, discouraged, and unsure of what to do next.

When the Initial Inspiration Fades

I told my friend that her experience was actually quite common.

At the beginning of the journey, many people are given extraordinary spiritual inspiration. It feels as though Heaven is carrying them forward. But later, those initial lights begin to fade, and a new stage arrives.

The longing remains, but the struggle becomes more difficult.

A person cannot simply erase the soundtrack of their previous life. The past continues to exist and must eventually be elevated and integrated into the journey. That is the nature of spiritual growth.

Even the Israelites, after witnessing the Ten Plagues, the splitting of the Red Sea, and the revelation at Mount Sinai, later found themselves longing for the garlic and onions of Egypt. This is part of the process of growth and refinement.

In Breslov teachings, this stage is sometimes called "teshuvah upon teshuvah" — a deeper level of return.

So, I told my friend, she should be encouraged not to despair. On the contrary, the struggle itself is often a sign of growth. It may indicate that she has reached a new level. Every act of perseverance leaves a tremendous impression in Heaven and brings a person closer to God.

I thought I had given a pretty good answer.

Then I asked my friend, "That's nice, but what did you actually tell her?"

He replied, "Oh, I just asked her whether she has somewhere else to spend Shabbat."

Honestly, I was embarrassed.

Before Spiritual Solutions Come Human Solutions

Sometimes, before explaining lofty spiritual concepts, we need to focus on the most basic level of human need.

Abraham first fed his guests and only afterward spoke to them about God.

When someone's mind is occupied with survival, loneliness, or basic physical and emotional needs, it becomes very difficult to focus on spiritual growth.

This was essentially Pharaoh's strategy when he said, "Let the work be heavy upon the men." If people are overwhelmed physically and emotionally, they will have little energy left for spiritual pursuits.

That is why, if we truly want to help someone, we must first see their heart. We must recognize their needs. That is the entry ticket to any meaningful influence.

As Pirkei Avot teaches: "Love people..." and only afterward "...and bring them closer to Torah."

The Same Principle Applies at Home

The same idea is true not only in outreach but also in our relationships with our own children.

Sometimes our teenagers desperately need concern, respect, and genuine interest in their world.

Perhaps I think their music is terrible. Perhaps I dislike their clothing. Perhaps I find their hairstyle baffling or their slang impossible to understand.

But expressing contempt for those things rarely changes their opinions. More often, it simply creates distance between us.

Learning Your Child's World

With a little effort, we can find areas where we choose to listen instead of lecture.

We can spend time learning about our child's world. We can try to understand their emotional needs. We can help them with practical concerns. We can show interest in what matters to them.

Not because we agree with everything, but because we care about them.

When I stop focusing on delivering speeches and start focusing on understanding my child, something powerful happens.

Connection grows, trust develops and influence becomes possible.

The Real Path to Influence

It is remarkable how effective this approach can be. It is remarkable how important it is. And perhaps most importantly, it is the true path to meaningful influence.

First, "Love people."

Genuinely. Wholeheartedly. Without conditions.

Then, naturally and almost effortlessly, "Bring them closer to Torah."

May we merit to do both.