"Stop Worrying About What People Will Say": Rabbi Steinman's Dating Advice

Finding the right match can be one of life's greatest challenges, and many people search for guidance on how to approach dating, marriage, and the obstacles that sometimes arise along the way. The late Torah giant Aharon Yehuda Leib Shteinman was often asked these questions and offered practical, insightful advice that continues to inspire people today.

Here are five memorable lessons from Rabbi Steinman on shidduchim, marriage, and finding one's destined match.

1. Don't Let Pride Stand in the Way

Rabbi Steinman once remarked that many potential matches fail because of pride.

When asked what people should be willing to compromise on when entering the dating world, his answer was simple:

"Let go of 'what will people say.'"

His message was that concern for social status, appearances, or outside opinions can sometimes prevent people from recognizing opportunities that may be genuinely right for them. Focusing on what truly matters is often far more important than worrying about how others may view a particular match.

2. The Unexpected Match That Produced Torah Giants

Rabbi Steinman shared a remarkable story about a woman who married for the first time at age 30 to a widower who was around 60 years old and already had children.

The widower was not considered a particularly prominent figure, and many might have overlooked such a match.

Yet Rabbi Steinman pointed to what happened afterward.

The couple had a son and a daughter. Their son grew up to become the renowned Michel Yehuda Lefkowitz, who later led the Ponevezh Yeshiva. Their daughter married the respected Rabbi Shmuel Cohen Rozovsky, author of Imrot Shmuel.

Through this story, Rabbi Steinman highlighted an important lesson: a person's future and potential cannot always be measured by external factors. Sometimes the most unexpected matches lead to extraordinary outcomes.

3. Age Differences Are Not Always a Barrier

When discussing age gaps between prospective spouses, Rabbi Steinman revealed a personal detail from his own life.

His wife, Rebbetzin Tamar a"h, was five years older than he was.

"And it worked out very well," he said.

His comment served as a reminder that qualities such as character, compatibility, and shared values often matter far more than arbitrary expectations about age.

4. What About Younger Siblings Marrying First?

One of the more sensitive questions Rabbi Steinman addressed involved situations where a younger sibling receives a marriage proposal before an older sibling.

According to halacha, he explained, there is no prohibition against a younger sibling marrying first.

At the same time, Rabbi Steinman acknowledged the emotional complexity of the situation.

Since an older sibling may naturally feel hurt or disappointed, he emphasized the importance of offering support, encouragement, and reassurance. Everyone has their own destined match, and one person's engagement does not diminish another's opportunities.

He also noted that delaying multiple siblings indefinitely because one child has not yet become engaged can create additional difficulties, as everyone continues to grow older while waiting.

5. A Powerful Segulah for Finding a Match

Rabbi Steinman was once asked what a family with several unmarried children could strengthen in order to merit finding suitable matches.

His answer was surprising:

"Recite the blessing of Asher Yatzar slowly and with proper concentration."

He explained that because this blessing is recited multiple times each day, many people say it automatically, without giving sufficient thought to its words.

Taking even a brief moment to focus on the blessing and recite it carefully, word by word, can be a meaningful spiritual practice.

Since Asher Yatzar is said regularly throughout the day, Rabbi Steinman noted that a person has many opportunities to strengthen this area and turn an ordinary routine into a moment of connection with Hashem.

Timeless Guidance for the Journey

Rabbi Steinman's advice reflects a common theme: meaningful relationships are built on sincerity, humility, faith, and perspective. Whether discussing age differences, family dynamics, or personal expectations, he encouraged people to focus less on external pressures and more on what truly matters.

For those navigating the world of shidduchim, his words remain a source of wisdom, encouragement, and hope.