I’m Constantly Struggling With My Daughter Over Modesty: What Can We Do?

We are baalei teshuva parents. We were blessed to build a Torah home, but our daughter constantly argues with us about issues of tzniut. It feels like we're always fighting with her. What should we do?

Dear reader,

You are describing a daughter who is growing up in a home that has undergone a profound journey. You and your husband made choices, changed your lives, and drew closer to Torah and mitzvot. Now, in an area that is especially important to you, you find yourselves facing resistance.

The struggle is not only about a skirt, a sleeve length, or a particular style of clothing. Beneath the arguments often lies something much deeper: questions of identity, independence, belonging, and the process of making values one's own.

Sometimes the pain we feel as parents is not only about the behavior itself, but about what we believe that behavior says about us.

We may wonder: Did we fail? Did we not teach well enough? Are we doing something wrong?

For baalei teshuva in particular, there can be another layer as well. At times, there is a feeling that others are watching and evaluating the path we have chosen. We may worry that our children's behavior will be seen as a reflection of our own success or failure.

That burden can make an already difficult situation feel even heavier.

Your Child Is Not Your Report Card

One of the most important things to remember is that raising children is not a collection of carefully selected moments. It is a long journey.

Our children are not projects. They are human beings with their own personalities, struggles, choices, and pace of growth.

As parents, our responsibility is not to force a child to internalize a value at a specific moment in time.

Our responsibility is to teach the path.

Not through endless arguments. Not through constant lectures. Not through ongoing battles.

Rather, through steady guidance, consistency, and personal example.

Be a Signpost, Not a Policeman

A useful image is that of a signpost.

A signpost points the way. It clearly shows the direction a traveler should take.

But a signpost does not run after people. It does not shout. It does not become angry when someone ignores its instructions.

It simply stands firmly in its place and continues pointing toward the destination.

Parents are called upon to do something similar.

We need to communicate clearly what matters in our home. We need to teach our values, model them through our actions, and explain why they are meaningful.

But after that, there are things that are no longer in our hands.

Knowing What Is and Isn't Under Your Control

Much of life's frustration comes from confusing what belongs to us with what belongs to someone else.

It is within your control to teach, guide, set boundaries, and create a home built on Torah values.

It is not within your control to determine your daughter's pace of growth, her inner process, or the timing of when certain values become part of her identity.

Those things belong to her.

As parents, we can provide direction. We cannot force internal conviction.

The Road Is Not Always Straight

As a general rule, children tend to continue along the path of their parents, even if the journey includes detours, questions, and periods of resistance.

Growth is rarely linear.

The challenges we encounter are not necessarily signs that something has gone wrong. Often, they are part of the process itself.

Many strengths, insights, and forms of maturity emerge specifically through struggle. Difficulties can become opportunities for deeper understanding and stronger personal commitment.

Focus on the Real Goal

When parents become preoccupied with controlling outcomes that are beyond their reach, they often find themselves trapped in a cycle of frustration and helplessness.

That is why it is worth asking a deeper question.

What is your true goal?

Is your goal simply that your daughter dresses modestly today?

Or is your deeper goal that she eventually develops a genuine appreciation for tzniut, understands its value, and embraces it out of personal conviction and love?

Those are two very different goals.

The first may sometimes be influenced through rules and boundaries. The second requires a much longer process, one that cannot be forced.

It must develop within her.

Parenting for the Long Term

Parenting is one of life's greatest missions.

Each challenge invites us to ask ourselves not only what we want, but whether the outcome we seek is truly within our power to create.

You can teach. You can guide. You can model. You can love.

But your daughter's inner journey belongs to her.

Trust the process. Continue pointing toward the values that matter to you. Continue loving her even when you disagree. Continue believing in her ability to grow.

Sometimes the most powerful thing a parent can do is stand firmly and lovingly by the path they believe in, while allowing a child the space to walk toward it in their own way and in their own time.

Noa Harel is a parenting instructor, couples counselor, and relationship coach.