Stop Defending, Start Listening: The Key to a Closer Marriage

I began the session by looking at both of them.

“When you walked into the office just now and sat down, I could really feel the love between you. Real love—the kind shared by two people who have spent years building a home together, even if that home is not without wounds, scars, and pain.

“And yet, we are here because it seems that something in the relationship has begun to slip away. Hodaya, can you share what you are feeling?”

She lowered her eyes and said quietly, “I just feel like I’m alone.”

Neria looked at her immediately. “But I truly don’t understand that. I do everything for this family. I work, I provide, I take responsibility.”

“I know,” she replied. “I see it. But sometimes I feel like you give everything you have to the world, and I only get the leftovers.”

I looked at Neria. “What happens in your body or in your thoughts when you hear Hodaya say that?”

“I immediately feel like I’m not okay,” he answered quietly.

“And what do you do with that feeling?” I asked gently.

“I start explaining,” he answered.

I turned to Hodaya. “And when he explains, what is that like for you?”

“I feel like he isn’t listening to me. Because I’m not saying that he doesn’t do things.”

“So what are you saying?” I asked.

“I’m only saying that I miss him.”

What Is She Really Asking For?

I turned to Neria again.

“It may be that the moment you hear difficult words, your natural instinct is to protect yourself by responding to what she is saying and explaining why you acted correctly. But maybe that is precisely where, Neria, there is an opportunity to pause. Instead of becoming defensive, simply ask yourself quietly: What is Hodaya really trying to ask of me right now?”

Neria nodded slowly. “I think that many times, I’m simply frightened by her pain.”

“And then that fear causes you to pull away?” I asked.

“Yes. Completely without meaning to,” Neria answered.

Hodaya looked at him painfully. “And that is exactly what burns inside me.”

“Think about what you told me about your vacation,” I said. “Neria, you described an unpleasant situation with the hotel. Because you didn’t want to deal with the conflict, you simply gave in and accepted a room overlooking the parking lot instead of the sea.”

Hodaya smiled bitterly. “And that was when I felt that he wasn’t with me again. That I was alone in facing the world, and all I wanted was for him to stand with me.”

“And Neria,” I reminded him, “how did you describe feeling in that moment?”

“That she didn’t see that I was trying to do the right thing. That I didn’t want to fight with them.”

“That’s true. And still, this time you did something different from previous times when Hodaya came to you with complaints,” I encouraged him.

“You told me that in the past, you would immediately respond and explain that she didn’t understand the bigger picture. But that time, you stopped. Do you remember why?”

“Because I understood that if I started explaining, I would already be focused only on myself.”

“And that is exactly the point,” I emphasized. “What happened the moment you were able to stop explaining?”

“I understood that she wasn’t really angry about the room,” he said. “She simply wanted to feel that I was with her.”

Hodaya smiled. “And that is what was so different. Suddenly, I didn’t need to prove to him why I was right.”

Letting Your Spouse Into Your World

“I’m also thinking about another important step you took,” I said, smiling at them. “Neria, we came to understand together that sometimes you have difficulty sharing. You are used to processing things on your own—thinking, praying, reaching conclusions—and only then coming to her once you have already worked everything out. How did Hodaya describe experiencing that?”

“That I don’t let her into my world,” he answered.

“Exactly,” Hodaya said. “I don’t need to know every single thought he has. I just want to feel that he wants to share his world with me.”

“Hodaya, what has changed in how you experience Neria’s silences?” I asked.

“Before he started working on himself, when he was quiet, he would disconnect, and I would feel that he didn’t care. Today, I understand that sometimes when he is quiet, he is trying to find a better way to reach me,” she replied.

“And I learned, too,” Neria added. “When she says something is difficult for her, it doesn’t always mean that I need to explain or defend myself. Sometimes she is simply asking me to be with her in the difficulty.”

I leaned slightly forward, looking at both of them as I gathered the entire process into words.

“That is exactly the point,” I concluded gently. “How often do we try to ‘win’ the moment, to explain who is right, instead of simply meeting each other in it?

“As you discovered, sometimes a complaint is really a deeper request. Sometimes anger is actually painful longing. The way to bring closeness back home is not necessarily to do more out in the world, but to learn how to be more present in what already exists between you.

“A relationship is not something you finish building on your wedding day. It is created anew each time you choose to truly meet each other.”