When an Apology Hurts: What Halacha Says About Asking Forgiveness

We all want to be right, especially when we feel we have been hurt or misunderstood. But Judaism asks us to consider something even more important: Can we repair what went wrong without causing more pain along the way? These halachot reveal what true forgiveness, and true victory, really look like.

2 Halachot a Day

2 Halachot a Day from Behalacha UveAggadah, based on the rulings of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, of blessed memory.

Asking forgiveness is an essential part of repairing a relationship after we have hurt someone. But even an apology must be handled with sensitivity. How can we ask forgiveness without causing the person further embarrassment, and what is expected of us when someone sincerely asks us to forgive them?

How Can You Avoid Hurting Someone Again While Apologizing?

Even when asking forgiveness, a person must be careful not to hurt the other person again—and then find themselves needing to apologize for the apology itself.

For example, someone might publicly mention what they did wrong while asking forgiveness, causing the other person further embarrassment. The person may then wish the apology had never been made at all.

Similarly, sometimes a person hurts a friend and, after realizing that the friend is embarrassed, says loudly and jokingly, “It stays between us,” or, “You’re not offended, right? We’re just kidding.” They might even say, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. Of course you forgive me.”

Instead of repairing the hurt, these comments may only deepen the other person’s embarrassment. An apology should restore someone’s dignity, not take more of it away.

How Should You Ask Someone for Forgiveness?

If a person spoke lashon hara about someone or otherwise hurt them without their knowledge, there is no need to reveal exactly what happened. On the contrary, telling them may cause unnecessary pain and anger and make the situation worse. Instead, one should ask for forgiveness in a general way.

And what about the person being asked to forgive?

A person should not be cruel or refuse forgiveness unnecessarily. Rather, one should strive to be easy to appease and slow to anger. When someone who has wronged you sincerely asks for forgiveness, forgive wholeheartedly and willingly.

Even if that person caused you significant pain, do not seek revenge or hold a grudge.

Today’s Takeaway: What Does It Really Mean to Win?

There was once a king who heard about a man renowned as an extraordinary marksman.

For years, the king had been searching for a worthy shooting competitor. As soon as he heard about this expert, he invited him to the palace for a grand competition before his ministers and servants.

Naturally, the king had the honor of shooting first. It quickly became clear that he was highly skilled: Almost every bullet struck the target.

Then it was the challenger’s turn.

His first bullet struck the edge of the target. The second landed in exactly the same spot. Then came the third and the fourth—and again, they hit precisely the same place.

The king’s ministers began whispering among themselves about the supposedly hopeless marksman. Even a child, they thought, could shoot better than that.

But the king had an experienced eye. He noticed something the others had missed. True, the bullets had not hit the center of the target—but every single one had entered almost exactly the same hole.

That required tremendous skill.

After the competition, which the king had seemingly won, he summoned the marksman.

“If you are such an expert, why did you miss the target?” the king demanded. “And if you are not an expert, how did you manage to put every bullet into the same hole? Tell me the truth.”

The marksman gave an answer that contains an important lesson for every disagreement and competition we encounter in life.

“My lord the king,” he explained, “I did it out of respect for you. I wanted everyone to believe that you had won. I was also afraid that defeating you publicly might bring me harm. But I wanted to leave you a hint that I really did know how to shoot, so I placed all my bullets in exactly the same spot. I knew that you would be skilled enough to notice.”

The king was deeply impressed. Standing before him was not only an exceptional marksman, but a person of exceptional character.

Sometimes we become so determined to win that we forget what being a true winner actually means.

According to the Torah, proving that you are right is not necessarily a victory. The yetzer hara can push us toward pointless arguments, wounded pride, and battles that accomplish nothing.

The greater victory is overcoming that impulse. It is finding a way to make your point while still protecting the other person’s dignity and treating them with respect.

You may be right. You may even have the ability to prove it.

But sometimes, the person who truly wins is the one who knows how to leave the other person’s dignity intact.