The Surprising Power of a Compliment: What Science Reveals

I sometimes feel that we live in an age when people have become experts at pointing out what's wrong, but are far less skilled at noticing what's right.

We're quick to comment on an unflattering shirt, a disappointing grade, or an employee who arrives late. And if our spouse forgets to load the dishwasher for the third time? Well, they're probably in for a full lecture, complete with slides and appendices. We could deliver Netanyahu's speech at the UN without breaking a sweat.

But when our child shows unusual sensitivity? When our wife does something small and thoughtful? When our husband makes a genuine effort?

Suddenly, silence.

Why? Because we tell ourselves, "Come on, he knows I appreciate him."

Really? How exactly does he know? Telepathy?

Sometimes we treat compliments like the whipped cream served alongside a cup of coffee. They're nice to have, but hardly essential.

But perhaps a compliment isn't the whipped cream at all. Perhaps it's the meal itself.

What Science Reveals About the Power of Compliments

A fascinating Japanese study made me think about this differently.

In 2012, researcher Sho Sugawara and his colleagues conducted an experiment involving 48 participants who were taught a motor skill. The participants were then divided into three groups: one received personal compliments, another observed other people receiving compliments, and a third received no compliments at all.

The following day, the researchers tested their performance again.

The results were striking. Participants who received personal compliments showed greater improvement in the task.

In other words, the compliments didn't simply make them feel good. They were associated with measurable improvements in learning and performance.

The study, titled Social Rewards Enhance Offline Improvements in Motor Skill, was published in the scientific journal PLOS ONE in 2012.

Now think about our children.

How often do we tell them what needs correcting, compared to how often we say:

"I noticed how you controlled yourself."

"I loved the way you helped."

"You have such a good heart."

"I saw how hard you tried."

Not an automatic "well done" tossed out without thinking, but something genuine and specific.

A meaningful compliment is like a mirror. It tells the person standing in front of us: There is something good in you, and I noticed it.

And perhaps that's the real secret: A sincere compliment doesn't inflate someone's ego. It helps them recognize the strengths they already possess.

Why Compliments Matter in Marriage

From what I've heard from people who truly understand relationships, the same principle applies to marriage.

A couple can live together for twenty years and become experts at identifying each other's shortcomings. He knows exactly what she isn't doing, and she knows precisely where he needs to improve.

But when was the last time you said:

"You're such a good father."

"I really appreciate everything you do to keep this home running."

"I love knowing that you're the person I get to come home to."

Because people don't just need to know they're loved. They need to hear it, too.

So here's a small assignment: Choose three people in your life, perhaps a child, a spouse, and a friend, and tell each of them one genuine, specific thing you appreciate about them.

No speeches. No grand gestures. Just one sentence.

The Compliment That Changed a Family's Day

Why am I writing about this?

Because when I was a ninth-grade homeroom teacher, the father of a particularly challenging student once asked me a question I've never forgotten.

"Tell me, do you see anything good in him, too?"

His words shook me.

I realized that most of my communication with the family happened when something went wrong.

Then, one day, I noticed his son cleaning the classroom entirely on his own initiative.

I took a picture and sent it to his parents with a simple message: "Look what an amazing kid!"

That evening, his mother called me, deeply moved.

"Your message made our entire day so much sweeter," she told me.

I remembered that experience when I heard that Yossi Hershkovitz, may Hashem avenge his blood, had fallen in battle.

Hershkovitz was the principal of the ORT Pelech boys' school. He had introduced an app called Nekuda Tova ("A Good Point") to his school, encouraging teachers to send students and their parents positive messages filled with kindness and encouragement.

Such a simple idea. And yet, so powerful.

Because sometimes we don't need a grand speech or an endless stream of praise.

Sometimes, one sincere compliment is enough to change someone's entire day.

May his memory be a blessing.