Ilan Heitner: From Bagel Wisdom to Jewish Wisdom

Author Ilan Heitner, who has just released his fifth book, speaks with Israel Today about his former life and the transformation he underwent at the age of 37.

Asked by the interviewer, “Where is Ilan Heitner, and what did you do to him?” he replies, “He’s gone—and that’s a good thing. Until the age of 37, I lived the single life in the most extreme way possible,” he says. “That extremity created a kind of distortion in my thinking, and eventually led to a deep sense of emptiness and suffering. At some point during my single, party-filled life, I decided to change. I met Alona through mutual friends. Today, I am married and a father of four.”

The journey of inner purification—which Alona joined—also led him to discover Judaism. About eight years ago, while searching for answers, he began attending lectures on Jewish thought, and since then he has been studying Torah once a week at a kollel in Ramat Aviv.

“After 37 years of being single and having no serious relationships, I felt I needed to learn how to manage one,” Heitner shares. “Suddenly, I started asking myself: What is a woman? What is a relationship? What is love?” He continues, “I needed answers to these questions, and I found them in Judaism and in Jewish wisdom in general. Today, I feel that I love my wife even more than when we first met. I remember attending my first lecture on Judaism and relationships and feeling a sense of relief when I saw so many confused people around me asking similar questions about maintaining relationships. It turns out that Judaism contains entire books devoted to relationships, love, and connection.”

“It’s no coincidence that Hashem told Abraham, ‘Whatever Sarah tells you, listen to her voice.’ It’s also no accident that when Isaac entered the lives of Abraham and Sarah, the whole household laughed. Today, I understand the saying ‘happy wife, happy life,’ and that it’s impossible to live a full and joyful life with a frustrated wife at home. In Judaism, I learned the meaning of giving and compromise, and the understanding that a couple is essentially one. If we argue in the morning and I have a newspaper interview later that day, it’s enough for me to say to her, ‘I need you now.’ That allows her to breathe, me to breathe, and for both of us to calm down.”

“I realized that I don’t give because I love—I love because I give. Why do we love our children? Because we give to them. And, truthfully, sometimes we suffer because of that giving. We get up in the middle of the night for them, spend money on them, and love them without limits—all stemming from giving.

“Through the lectures, I discovered the text of Eshet Chayil, the significance of Kiddush, and the power of sitting at the table with our children and praising their mother. We established a family tradition in which each child says something kind about a sibling—something that sibling did during the week—and it elevates the entire family.”

“How much can you run around on Shabbat chasing blooming anemones, irises, or squills?” he asks. “Everyone piles into the car and drives around stressed—from here to there—with ‘call this friend,’ ‘don’t tell that friend the other friend is coming,’ kids asking for popsicles, ‘put the booster in,’ ‘buckle them,’ ‘unbuckle them,’ sitting in traffic, going to amusement parks, answering emails and phone calls. We felt our souls needed one day of rest—without traveling, without constant motion, and without making decisions.”

In response to the interviewer’s question, “What has Judaism brought into your lives?” he answers, “A tremendous amount of good. For me, the Torah is like a guidebook for a calmer, better life. In my previous life, before my wife and children, I had all the freedom in the world to do whatever I wanted. But endless freedom is the opposite of true freedom. I was lost.”

Does Heitner miss those days? His answer is clear: “I wasn’t happy then. It was a wild lifestyle, but it didn’t fulfill me. The problem with single life and excess is that after a short time, experiences stop satisfying you, and you become more extreme, until you start feeling like an animal. That’s not a feeling a person enjoys,” he concludes. “When does a person feel true happiness and elevation? When they overcome their animal instincts. Do you enjoy staying in bed for another two hours more than getting up and going for a run? I managed to overcome the bad.”