עברית
Women
Modesty for Women: How Far Should It Go?
Question
I am a Haredi woman, thank G-d I dress modestly and am very careful.
Recently, I became intrigued by a modesty hotline for women, where they discuss halacha on modesty and women share testimonies of miracles that happened to them after they strengthened their modesty in various ways. (The number is 0733834050 with code 2448# and 5)
However, the hotline caused me great sadness as I understood that everything I wear and do is still not right...
For example, they discuss the definition of tight clothing, and according to their definition, one should wear very loose shirts and similarly for skirts.... I do not wear tight clothing but also not that loose.
They also say to minimize makeup, wear less jewelry, be modest at home, and wear stockings of 50 denier and above, which is very difficult for me.
On this matter, I have made an effort and switched my stockings from 40 denier to 50 denier, and the difference is very noticeable; the stockings are really opaque and I find it hard to connect with this, but the greater difficulty is that my husband is really repelled by these stockings and asks me to return to 40 denier even though they are quite transparent.
(My husband is righteous and wants me to continue strengthening but it is important to him that I look good and modest)
And here we have entered a really difficult dilemma; my husband says it is very hard for him that I wear such stockings, and it creates a distancing between us, and I do not know what Hashem wants from me? Should I listen to my husband? After all, it is important for me to satisfy my husband.
He worries I will listen to the hotline that says many stringencies as if they are halacha. Many clothes I have stopped wearing because of the hotline. He claims it is not logical that one should behave this way. I am modest enough.
My questions are-
1. How will I know what halacha is and what are mere stringencies?
2. Is it correct to stop listening to the hotline to avoid willful transgression? I would appreciate details and encouragement on the matter; I am really frustrated because my desire is only to do what Hashem wants from me and what is obligated upon me, and it turns out that whatever I do is not good because there is always more in terms of modesty, and that is incredibly frustrating.
3. Another thing that was said there is that women who have strengthened themselves should not look in the mirror while getting dressed. Is this correct?.... After all, I was taught in my bridal instruction that a woman must love herself and connect with herself and look in the mirror, and only that way will her husband be able to love her, through being connected to herself.
4. If I follow the boundaries of halacha without the added stringencies, can I be punished in heaven for this? And if a man stumbles because of me even though I was dressed modestly, is it my fault? (As if I must have removed my makeup and perfume and worn loose clothes even though that is not halacha?)
5. Is there a book that contains clear halachot on modesty that I can study and feel complete with myself?
6. Does it matter to Hashem if I make an effort and when I go out I tuck my necklace under my shirt, remove rings, and wear less eye makeup, even though it is possible that men will still stumble because of me, and for a man there is no difference if I have fewer rings and similar items.....
7. Can I listen to my husband who tells me that I am dressing modestly and do not need to add to or increase beyond that, and that it is my responsibility?
I would appreciate elaboration on all these issues; it really pains me and I am very confused and in a bind with my husband.
Thank you very much!! Keep up the good work!
Answer
Greetings and blessings,
It is commendable that you strive for modesty and wish to fulfill the will of our Father in Heaven appropriately. It is very important not to get swept away by extremism and not to accept everything said there as having been given at Sinai. It is clear that a woman examines herself in the mirror when dressing and applies reasonable makeup, of course not in a provocative and strong manner, but gentle colors that contribute to your good feeling and that of your husband are certainly something you must continue doing.
A woman should indeed wear clothes that are not completely tight but also not excessively loose. The definition I heard from one of the Rebbetzin's is that a woman should not wear a shirt where others can know her size, but on the other hand, she should not wear a shirt where no one can identify that she is a woman. One should wear a loose shirt that shows she is a woman but is not tight and completely accentuates her upper body. Similarly, one must act modestly in all attire but should not go to the other extreme, Heaven forbid.
It is allowed to wear jewelry and you do not need to hide it; only prominent, oversized jewelry is not within the bounds of modesty.
You can continue to listen to the hotline but apply your critical thinking to discern what to bring closer and what to distance yourself from, following the appropriate, balanced way that is desired in the eyes of Hashem.
Regarding the stockings, indeed, if 40 denier is transparent, one should not wear that in the street. At home, in front of your husband, it is fine to wear that, but not in public. The thickness of the stockings depends on skin tone and the color of the stockings, and you can distinguish for yourself whether they are sheer or not.
In matters that are prohibited, there is no possibility of relying on a husband who assumes responsibility. For stringencies there is no need to accept responsibility because it is clearly allowed to begin with.
I would be happy to assist further,
With great respect,
Benjamin Shmueli
