Laws and Guidance for the Engagement Period

To the questioner, Mazal tov, and may it be Hashem's will that the wedding take place at a good and successful time. I will try to explain the situation as I understand it, and I hope this will be of benefit to you. The proper way, when a couple decides they want to marry, is that the engagement period should not be prolonged too much; and when it is prolonged more than necessary, it naturally causes a person, often the man, to become trapped in a stressful or frustrating situation. For Hashem created in human nature a need to marry, and then touch and closeness to the spouse are permitted and natural. But on the other hand, Hashem prohibited touching a woman one is not marrying - and in practice this includes one's betrothed, who is forbidden to the groom until they actually marry. Thus the engagement period is an intermediate state that is especially difficult for religious people - because for one who has no Torah in his life, they behave as if married even before marriage; and conversely, for those who are haredi like the chassidim, they do not see one another from the engagement period until the wedding. The most difficult situation is the middle one, where they do see one another, and yet observe all the prohibitions of physical closeness. What you need to understand is that this situation is usually harder for the man than for the woman; for the more time they spend together, the more the hearts draw near. And naturally, this also leads to closeness in action. Therefore, what you saw in the guidebook, all kinds of distancing measures that seem exaggerated, are all done intentionally in order to prevent the outburst of feeling that can emerge after an extended period of spending time together - especially on the part of the man. For these feelings, once awakened, do not disappear: either they find expression in action, or they turn inward into feelings of frustration and resentment toward the other. Trying to be lenient in these distancing measures, such as being lenient about touching, does not help; for such leniency leads to an even greater intensification of the feelings, and then they push even more toward actual closeness or, on the contrary, toward frustration. ~~~ Since you write in your letter, If only we were at that level, but unfortunately I feel that if we act according to the halachot written in the book, our relationship will turn into an attempt to imitate something we are not, meaning that you feel you need to show a little connection, but at the same time distance any expression of strong connection that belongs to the time of marriage until after the wedding, it is necessary to find some middle path for you. But this is the matter - there is no middle path here that can be pointed to and that will hold up well for all couples. Rather, the groom and kallah themselves will have to stand guard over this and be honest with themselves and responsible for themselves; that if the situation becomes too close, inwardly and emotionally, then they should distance themselves for a day or two. And if things are proceeding normally, and are not causing any frustration or resentment between the spouses, then one may continue. But in order to do all this with the proper balance, you need to understand well what was written above in the first section; namely, that naturally, the longer the time together continues, the greater the chances that feelings of closeness will turn into feelings of resentment and frustration. This can show itself in that one day everything looks fine and beautiful, and suddenly some tiny issue arises, such as whether to use money from your gifts to pay for the travel of his friend who wants to come to the wedding, or something of that sort that is not directly related to your relationship, and from this small matter a great mountain is made. Therefore, you will need to be open with one another and attentive to your feelings, such as when the groom feels that he needs to go home early, saying, This is hard for me now; or if you sometimes ask him, Is it hard for you? then you will need to understand one another and refrain from spending time together for that day or for one or two days until things return to balance, and this should not be taken personally as an offense. ~~~ The conclusion from all this is that you yourselves will be responsible for maintaining the balance of your situation. For example, if you drive in a car to run errands for a limited number of hours in the middle of the day, then generally the feelings will not be aroused too much. But if you have extended the day, for example by traveling together for many hours, such as five hours or more, and you return late in the evening to a rural and dark place, that is indeed considered yichud, and of course in such a situation the feelings of closeness will intensify. You should therefore be careful from the outset not to enter such a situation. Likewise, if asking after the groom's welfare does not arouse any special feeling between you, there is no need to be careful; but if something does arouse feelings of closeness, for example if the groom calls the kallah by a term of endearment he is not accustomed to using, or expresses an affectionate phrase that conveys a strong feeling or excessive closeness, then one must indeed be careful. And if one or the other feels that it is hard for them, meaning that feelings of closeness are intensifying and require expression, and the time for expressing those feelings is only after the wedding, then one should refrain from spending time together until things return to balance. I hope that these words will help you establish the boundaries between you during this period. And I will conclude with a blessing that you merit to maintain balance during this period and enter the chuppah together at a good and successful time without any stumbling block, and that you merit to build a faithful home in Israel and raise upright and blessed generations. With blessing, Rabbi Nachum