Relationships
What Is the Difference Between Honoring One's Parents and Honoring One's Wife?
Question
Hello, Rabbi!
I have a question for you that troubles me greatly in my married life with my husband.... When we are at my mother-in-law's house... then whenever the things my husband's parents ask for are things he does immediately, without saying wait a moment or putting them off. He claims that honoring parents is very important, and even more important than honoring one's wife. It is true that there are things I ask my husband to do, and he honors my requests and does them, but there are many things I ask for that he puts off and says to me, wait a moment... and then that makes me angry, and I immediately say to him, it is interesting that things your parents ask for you do right away, but to me you put off, and then he answers, in innocence, honor your father and your mother... and then I get fired up and start getting upset and angry, and this brings me to sin... that I become angry and raise my voice at him... My question is, what is the halacha on this matter?? Am I behaving like someone who is jealous of my mother-in-law and father-in-law, or out of ego, or is it really true that honoring parents is more important than honoring one's wife? And if so, why is it written that he honors her more than his own body?? And can you explain to me the meaning of the verse, he honors her more than his own body? What does that mean in practical terms?? Is there a contradiction between the mitzvah of honoring parents and honoring one's wife, and what is the proper balance?? Are they equal, or is one greater and one lesser?? I need to receive a clear answer because sometimes this causes problems in shalom bayit.... and I would like to know how to conduct myself...
Answer
Shalom u'vrachah
First I will explain to you the natural reason for your husband's behavior, and then you will not become angry with him and will not come to places you do not wish to reach.
Your husband feels with you as a partner, and therefore many times he will want you to do what you want from him, or he does not currently think it is his duty to make an effort for you. By contrast, a son does not have demands from his parents that they honor him, and he does not think that his parents will do things in his place, and therefore his obedience to them is faster and matters are simple.
Your husband does not quite understand the reason for his actions, and therefore he invents things to reconcile his actions, but it is clear that the reason is as I wrote. Certainly this has no connection at all to the question of who comes before whom - the wife or the parents - in your case, since this is not a demand that your husband forgo honoring his parents, but rather you are asking that your husband take you into account as he takes his parents into account, and this demand is correct, but your husband's behavior at present can be understood. It takes a long time for a man to learn how to honor his wife properly. The right way to receive the honor you deserve from your husband is to give your husband the proper honor that he wants, and in that way one receives honor in return. This advice is also true for a man who wants his wife to honor him: he must honor his wife, and in that way he too will receive what is due him.
The intent of the words of our Sages, and he honors her more than his own body, is that when the husband and wife need a certain thing, say a garment, and they do not have enough money to buy two garments, one for him and one for his wife, the husband is obligated to give it to his wife and forgo his own need.
With blessings,
Benjamin Shmueli
