What is Permitted and Forbidden Before Marriage?

To the questioner,

May Hashem help you to marry at a good and successful time and build a faithful home in Israel.

I will try to answer your questions to the best of my ability, with Hashem's help.

1. “Is there any issue with waiting for the wedding and engagement until after the army?”

I do not know what the Rabbi's intention was, and I am not familiar with the details of the situation, so it is advisable to return to the Rabbi and ask him about this matter.

2. “Should we keep a 'small flame' and see each other and talk less than usual?”

Yes, it is advisable to keep the flame small, and the reason is that as feelings arise, they naturally need to be expressed in action (which is only appropriate after marriage) or they may turn into frustration and resentment against each other, God forbid, because they do not have a natural outlet. Therefore, the more you can maintain the situation at a 'small flame,' the healthier it is for your connection. (Concerning your meetings on Shabbat, you should be careful not to extend the meeting for long hours (more than five at a time and not late at night or in dark places); and about talking on the phone several times a day, it is better only to do it once in the morning and once in the evening, and even this not too late at night (after 12) and not for long hours.)

3. “Is it permissible for an unmarried couple to sleep in the same house while the rest of the family is also present?”

I do not know the details of the question - how many people are in the house, what their relation is, and in which rooms they sleep - so it is advisable to ask this question to a Rabbi familiar with the situation closely.

4. “Is it permitted for us to buy gifts for each other? Like books... and chocolates.”

It is permitted.

5. “Is it permissible to say 'I love you'?"

These words should not be explicitly said until after marriage, as by their nature they evoke feelings of closeness. However, it seems possible to hint at the matter by using other words and in a modest manner, such as, "I can't say that now, but you know what I feel for you."

6. “Is it okay for an unmarried couple to reach a level of openness in conversations between them? Not on immodest topics, but what could be called 'feeling free'?"

Of course, immodest topics should not be mentioned; but regarding the openness itself, there are two stages.

There is the stage of building familiarity, where conversations lead to a greater sense of comfort and freedom between one another, which is healthy and good for developing the relationship; but there is a stage that begins immediately after when the couple feels at ease enough with each other that free conversations also begin to evoke strong inner feelings between the couple - and this is preferable to minimize before marriage. Therefore, it is important to consider diligently and cautiously the degree of openness in the conversations and to be aware of the strong feelings developing within oneself, being genuine with oneself; and if a situation arises that there are very strong feelings for the groom or for the bride due to the conversations, they should refrain from talking and meeting for a day or two until the situation stabilizes.

7. “Is it fine for me to share my secular past with him, which also touches on immodest topics? How much should I actually tell him about myself for him to get to know me better?”

According to the guidance known to me, it is not proper to share these matters with the partner until after the wedding, during the permitted time. Even after the wedding, it is not appropriate to share a complete story with all its details until after the groom and bride have built their relationship with one another first, such as only after 3-4 months of marriage.

8. “Is traveling to secluded places in nature to see views together considered yichud?"

This is forbidden because of yichud.

9. “Since I made a vow, which is serious, I wanted to ask what it means to keep negiah in the small details? Is holding a pen and touching it with her considered negiah? Or having a pillow between us or anything else? Or throwing things at each other playfully—is that okay?”

The definition of the prohibition of negiah is found in Rambam in the Book of Commandments, Commandment 36: The warning against deriving enjoyment from any one of the erotic relations, even without physical intimacy, like hugging, kissing, and so on—those actions that a person enjoys. And Hashem warns against this: "A man shall not come near any of his close relatives to uncover nakedness" (there), as if to say: do not come close to them in a manner that brings to uncovering nakedness. From this we learn that any action of closeness to the body, between a man and a woman who are not married, which the person can derive enjoyment from, is forbidden.

Therefore, we are talking about actual touching, which provides enjoyment from the body when intended for that; whereas holding something or throwing something (although these actions are not recommended) is not considered the prohibited enjoyment of 'touching' (although these actions are prohibited between husband and wife after the wedding during the days of her nidda—because they are actions that can lead to closeness between spouses that have just married).

10. “Because I made the vow, and not everyone yet knows that I keep negiah, I have found myself in situations where boys simply came up and hugged me before I had a chance to tell them; is this a sin?”

Since you wanted to tell them but they approached you unexpectedly, it can be considered a "forced situation," and it is not considered a sin. (However, if you know in advance that such a situation may occur with men you meet, it is wise to take precautions beforehand and immediately inform them that you are engaged and that you no longer engage in these actions.)

11. “If I accidentally touch clerks in a store or bus drivers when I need to hand them money, does this count as a sin?”

If the touching was done by mistake and without intention for closeness in any way, it is not considered a sin at all. In any case, it is advisable to be careful as much as possible in such situations not to come even to accidental touching.

And I will conclude with a blessing, that you should merit to keep these matters of holiness during this period, and in the merit of this, may Hashem help you to build a strong and special connection between you at the right time, and that you should be blessed with establishing a faithful home in Israel at a good and successful time.

Blessings,

Rabbi Nachum