Faith
Critical Question
Question
Hello and blessings.
I am 19 years old, married for four months to a wonderful and righteous husband, but I have a problem that is ruining my relationship with my husband. All my life I kept away from boys, even though I was in a high school environment of girls who went out, and so on. I knew that I was keeping myself for my husband, and I never even corresponded with boys. That was an unbreakable rule for me. The most important thing in the world to me, for some reason, more than all the mitzvot. And after the wedding I discovered that my husband is not like me. He is much more righteous than I am, admittedly, but in this matter, not. My husband has a sister-in-law, his brother's wife, who is an immodest woman, to put it very mildly. She is not very religious and not modest in dress, speech, or behavior. And when we go to my husband's parents and she is there, my husband talks with her and laughs with her and calls her by her name as though she were his sister. There were situations in which my husband sat and spoke with her while I sat to the side and said nothing. I have no words to explain this painful feeling. I simply feel betrayed and start to cry and hate my husband and decide that from now on I will no longer cover my head and I will dress like that sister-in-law every time this happens. And my husband does not understand what is happening to me and is terribly sorry that I am upset, and I do not tell him anything because
a. I do not have the courage.
b. My kallah teacher warned me before the wedding not to criticize a husband in matters of holiness and that this is his service of Hashem. And that is another question that bothers me very much: why is the service of Hashem of the men at the expense of their wives? It hurts a woman so much when her husband looks, etc., at someone else, so why did Hashem do this? And if one says such things to a husband, he will purposely look and speak.
c. I notice that he would not feel as I do if I behaved like him. I do not talk and laugh with his brothers (and they are a house mostly of boys), and he does not understand why. He says that this is my family and it is fine, and I do not need to say only hello and goodbye and speak with them in a matter-of-fact way. And this hurts me the most, that he is not jealous for me. I so much want him to be jealous and want that I should be only his (how does one cause that?). I do not know what halacha says about this. But I feel that I am unable to behave and bear this behavior. For example, some time ago my husband wanted me to go with his brothers, the boys, and his sister-in-law to the Kinneret, and I said that it was mixed and perhaps forbidden, so he asked his rabbi and said that if I dress modestly at the beach, then it is permitted. And he did not think that his sister-in-law would dress there immodestly; it does not matter to him. Because of this jealousy, I do not want to go to his parents, and I withdraw into myself every time he suggests it, and already everyone there speaks about me that I am withdrawn and snobbish. Sometimes I tell him to go alone, and he gets angry and says that we are a couple and he would never go without me, and then arguments and tension begin, and in the end sometimes he goes alone, and then I think about what he is doing and seeing there and feel very distant from him. It has reached an unbearable point that he simply avoids going to his parents every time, and I feel bad about myself that I am not coming with him and I make a sour face every time he says something. I feel that I am cutting him off from his family, and on my part, if I come there, I will cut myself off from him. (I must note that this is not only my jealousy toward him, but the whole atmosphere in his home is mixed. Everyone sits and talks together, including my husband, and I am the only one to the side... because I want to, and all my life I wanted to be loyal to my husband, and in the end he does not appreciate it and does not even want it, and is not loyal to me as I am to him.) What should I do? I want only truth in life. If it is not forbidden to laugh with brothers-in-law and I need to change, I will try and not be jealous of my husband. And if I am right, then how should I behave? I do not want to hate my husband. I am unable to go there. Please help me, and sorry for the long question.
Answer
Hello and blessings,
The halacha is actually on your side. There is no permission at all to joke with sisters-in-law, or for you to joke with brothers-in-law. They are completely unrelated people, and one must be careful with them just as with any other stranger.
But there are families there who mistakenly became lenient about this very much, and brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law sit and speak and joke despite the prohibition, because they do not know about it, and for some reason no distancing is customary at all in this matter. A man who belongs to such a family will not understand what his wife wants from him. He has no thoughts about his sister-in-law at all, and perhaps he is accustomed to her from childhood, and therefore he behaves with her as though she were his sister. It does not enter his mind for a moment that there is here a lack of loyalty to his wife. All his desires and passions are only for his wife alone, and the conversations with his sister-in-law, such as lightheartedness, are for him something normal and reasonable. Therefore, you should not feel hurt by the fact that he jokes with his sister-in-law, even though he is transgressing unintentionally. You should not avoid going to your mother-in-law, even though it is difficult for you. Try to accustom yourself to the thought that your husband's sister-in-law is like his sister for the purpose of the matter.
The way you may perhaps try to influence your husband is only when you do not feel anger toward your husband, because you will understand him and his mistake, and from that you can try to speak with him so that he will clarify the halacha as to whether he is permitted to speak with his immodest sister-in-law, and with Hashem's help perhaps his behavior will change. But most important is to remove the jealousy and the feeling of lack of loyalty, because I have no doubt that he has no sexual thought about his sister-in-law, and he is entirely only with you.
You should continue with your own conduct, not to be lighthearted with his brothers and to guard your holiness, but to do so as wisely as possible, so as not to arouse criticism and not to arouse complaints and anger.
I would be glad to help you further,
Binyamin Shmueli
