עברית
Women
Observing Family Purity After Challenges
Question
I have been married for a year and have a daughter, may she live. About three months ago, my husband and I failed to observe the laws of family purity. We are not ultra-Orthodox but traditional, trying to keep our observance as best as we can. Three months ago, just two days before the completion of the seven clean days before immersion, my husband and I had relations, and I now feel anxious and regretful about that act. Two weeks ago, we fell into the same transgression again. I want to repent for this, but it is difficult, especially because I felt regret the first time it happened, and still, it occurred again. I would like to know how I can atone for this sin for both myself and my husband, and how we can be stronger in observing family purity and avoid failing in this matter again. P.S. Recently, I feel that my husband is distant from me sexually, claiming he is tired, etc. Even though we maintained purity after immersion, we did not have relations because he did not want to, citing fatigue. I would like advice on how to revive our intimate life since it changed somewhat after marriage, and of course, I come from a religious home and want to keep this, but my husband is not religious, which causes confusion. I sometimes slip into transgressing Shabbat, etc., due to my husband—not that he is to blame. I would appreciate advice or guidance from a rabbi on how I can strengthen my husband and strengthen myself together with him. Thank you and best regards, Liat.
Answer
Shalom and blessings,
It is painful to read your words that, as a religious woman who knows Hashem and wishes to serve Him, you have sinned with severe prohibitions like Shabbat and Niddah, both of which are punishments of karet.
I know and understand how difficult it is for you to be strong in observing the commandments when everything around you is not really careful about these matters, and you feel like the only faithful one to your God, and this failure weakens your strength to overcome and serve Hashem.
The correct and safest way that will lead you and your husband to properly observe the commandments is that your husband also understands what lies before him. He must understand how important the commandments are for life in this world and the next and how great the loss is when one does not fulfill the purpose of life in completeness.
The way to achieve this is by attending a Shabbat weekend focused on Jewish matters, which will clarify many things that are known but not developed enough for both of you. In this way, you will be united in thought and purpose to serve the Creator and observe His commandments. If you would like guidance in this regard, please send me your phone number, and I will be happy to guide you.
The guaranteed way to observe the prohibition of Niddah is through strict adherence to the laws of separation explained in the Shulchan Aruch, primarily avoiding sleeping in the same bed, not touching, and not passing anything from hand to hand.
When you keep the laws of separation, you will not fall into this serious sin.
It should be noted that if one engages during the clean days, one must wait four days at least before continuing to count. For instance, if someone transgressed the prohibition of Niddah on the third day of the clean days, they must wait four days, and afterward, they can continue counting from the third day onward. Only after five more days of counting can the woman immerse herself in purity.
Also, be careful with the Kiddush on Shabbat, eating Shabbat meals, and praying on Shabbat, which will bring the sanctity of Shabbat into your home and help you avoid desecrating it. It would be good for you to set a regular study on the laws of Shabbat, and each Shabbat learn a few laws, which will make it easier for you to navigate and empower you greatly in your success in observing Shabbat.
As I wrote, the best advice is to be together with your husband, with one heart and one goal, to serve Hashem. I would also add that besides this matter, there is also the issue of education, which you certainly want your daughter and future children to follow the path of Torah like you. How will you be able to educate them to observe Shabbat when their father does not observe it?
When you keep the laws of purification properly, your husband will yearn for you very much during your days of purity.
I would be happy to assist you further – Binyamin Shmueli
