עברית
Halachot and Customs
A Tremendous Difficulty Overcoming Semen Emission in Vain
Question
Hello, I have not engaged in sexual relations with women for about a year as I decided to keep Negiah (the laws of physical contact) and I also stopped masturbating. After battling with myself and experiencing downfalls, I was able to remain completely abstinent for seven months. I met someone, and we are together while maintaining strict Negiah. The problem is that during these seven months, I started to suffer from depression, excessive fatigue, and a total lack of concentration in what I am doing. Over time, I also failed my exams and could not finish my studies in college because I was in total disarray. Now I am working a temporary job, and even now, I cannot concentrate and am sleeping more than usual. I must find a solution—before, when I was fighting it after engaging in sexual relations or masturbating, I felt much more relaxed, positive, and happy. I am doing sports to try to resolve this, but the problem is not being solved. I would appreciate if you could help me regarding this matter or if there is even a way to do it without committing a transgression. (Besides marriage, which currently does not seem to be on the horizon, both for religious and financial reasons) Thank you very much for your patience and support.
Answer
Shalom and blessings
A. I do not quite understand what the reasons are that you cannot marry in the near future, especially if you have someone.
B. The path to overcome this habit is indeed very difficult. But our sages have already said, 'According to the pain is the reward'- as the difficulty is, so the reward is great, and you will merit great and immense reward in this world and in the World to Come. Through your struggles and fortitude, you will rectify all that is past and be clean and pure from all sin and transgression.
Indeed, sports helps overcome the lack of Onah (sexual activity), and through involvement in Torah study and guarding one’s eyes, you will merit to be completely saved from sin. Here are the words of the Rambam in the Laws of Forbidden Relations, Chapter 22:
Halacha 21:
And one should distance oneself from laughter, drunkenness, and idle chatter, for these lead to great dangers in terms of immodesty. One should not sit without a wife, as this practice causes great purification. Greater than all this, they said, one should turn his thoughts and his mind to matters of Torah and broaden his understanding in wisdom, for the thoughts of immodesty are only strengthened in a heart that is empty of wisdom. And about wisdom, it says, The gazelle of love and the graceful deer; let her breasts satisfy you at all times; with her love, you should be intoxicated always.
It may be necessary to seek professional help to overcome the addiction to this matter and I suggest reaching out to a retorno (rehabilitation program).
Also, one must remember not to cope with the difficulty for more than one day. Do not think that the struggle will be eternal for many years; decide each day that today you will guard yourself—only today. Tomorrow you will decide again, and so on every day. Decide on just one day. When a person thinks about forever regarding this issue, it is as if they believe they will never be able to do this one particular thing—it makes standing up to the test very difficult. A person does not have the strength today to withstand a long-term perseverance. The main thing is to overcome each day the yetzer (evil inclination) until the yetzer stops coming.
Rise and succeed,
Benjamin Shmueli
