How to Repent and Aton for the Sin of Adultery?

Dear Sir,

The gravity of this sin cannot be fully described; when the Holy Temple existed, the punishment was death by strangulation. It is already known what was said in the Gemara (Kiddushin 30a) that since the Temple was destroyed, even though the Sanhedrin was abolished, the laws of the four capital punishments did not cease. If one is liable for strangulation, etc. Therefore, in order to understand the severity of the matter, go and see what our sages wrote in the tractates Chagigah (9b) and Sotah (4b) and Baba Batra (58b) and in the books Shaar HaGilgulim (Introduction 22) and Kav HaYashar (Chapter 34).

However, there is still hope for your future, as our sages have taught (Jerusalem Talmud Peah 1:1) that nothing stands before repentance. This includes even the sin of adultery, as it is written in the Tosafot (Chagigah 14) that one who has relations with a married woman is atoned through suffering and great repentance. This is supported by what is stated in the Gemara (Yoma 86a) that if one transgresses the prohibitions of a karet (excision) and capital punishments and repents, his repentance and Yom Kippur suspend the punishment, and suffering expiates it.

Repentance consists of three parts:

1. Regret for the grave sin (Rambam, Laws of Repentance 2:2), which means that one must recognize and understand how much he has sinned against his Creator and how much he has angered his Maker with his emptiness and the deceit of his heart, and he must be ashamed and embarrassed by his evil deeds, as it is written (Jeremiah 31:18) "For after I returned, I regretted... I was ashamed, and I was humiliated, for I bore the disgrace of my youth," and our sages said (Berakhot 12b) that anyone who commits a transgression and is ashamed of it, it is forgiven for him (Responsa Maharit, Part B, Section Orach Chayim, 8, comment on regret).

2. Confession verbally (Rambam, ibid.), which means that he should say, "Please, Hashem, I have sinned, I have committed iniquities, I have transgressed before You, and I have done such and such, and now I regret and am ashamed of my actions, and I will never return to this matter again" (Rambam, ibid., 1:1).

3. A commitment for the future, meaning to abandon the sin and firmly resolve not to do it again (Rambam, 2: ibid.). This abandoning of the sin includes leaving the evil path that has become accustomed to it, which caused him to sin (Maharit, ibid., on the explanation of his atonement). Therefore, it is incumbent upon you to learn the laws of separation from illicit relations (Even HaEzer 21) and the laws of seclusion (ibid. 22) with the intention of guarding, doing, and fulfilling, so that you do not end up in a similar situation in the future, Heaven forbid. And one who comes to purify himself, they assist him (Shabbat 24a).

As mentioned, for this sin that carries the penalty of death by the Court, repentance and Yom Kippur are not enough; in addition, suffering is necessary to expiate the sin. The main advice is that you should accept upon yourself, without vow, to increase in Torah study in quantity and quality beyond what you have been used to until now, as our Rabbenu Yonah wrote (Shaarei Teshuvah 4:11) regarding one who has transgressed the capital punishments. Since he is not acquitted without suffering, he should dedicate his efforts to the Torah and toil in it, and this will be his substitute for suffering, and he quotes the words of the Midrash (Leviticus Rabbah 25:1) that if a person has transgressed the prohibitions of karet or capital punishments, if he was accustomed to read one chapter a day, he should read two chapters. If he was accustomed to read one section, he should read two sections. See his holy words. And so too wrote Rabbi Chaim of Volozhin, zt"l, in his book Ruach Chaim (Ethics of the Fathers 6:6) that if he is wise, he should not wait until Hashem sends suffering upon him, but accept suffering on himself through engaging in the Torah. See there.

However, it is impossible to be exempt without accepting upon yourself some fasts at all, as it is stated in the Responsa Noda BiYehudah (Part A, Orach Chayim 36, comment on "And behold, even though") for someone who has fallen to adultery, that even though he is lenient with fasts and afflictions and the repentance of weights, it is impossible to be exempt without anything. See there in his holy words. Since, according to the words of the Kabbalists, one who has relations with a married woman must fast 325 fasts (see Ganzei Chaim, 120b, and an allusion to this in Responsa Yabia Omer, Part B, Even HaEzer, end of 2), it is very appropriate that you should accept upon yourself a fast from the day before, one complete day and its night, like Yom Kippur. For the other fasts, fulfill "And your sin with charity redeem" (Daniel 4:24), meaning redeem them through charity to the needy (see the wording of the sages, Part A, 61). The amount for redemption is a maximum of 3250 NIS and a minimum of 1625 NIS. And may you be healed quickly.

With blessings,

Hillel Meirs