עברית
Relationships
Contact with a Separated Woman
Question
I don't approach married women. I know that sexual contact with unmarried women is forbidden or undesirable, but that's a separate issue. I met a woman who is married. She has been separated from her husband for six years. Over the years, she has tried to go through the divorce process, but something always comes up, and it stops. At some point, she managed to convince herself that she is simply divorced. That is to say, over the years she has seen herself as separated (a term used by secular people). In the last year or two, she has started seeing herself as divorced, perhaps out of a strong desire to be so. This is a not very assertive woman, which has also made it difficult for her to press her husband to end this and get a proper divorce. I met with her, clearly knowing that she is divorced. There were touches between us, but at no time was there penetration. Since I didn't have a condom (I know that this is also forbidden..), two days later she started having thoughts and remembered that she actually has not divorced according to halacha, and since we discussed this in the past, regarding the issue of divorce, she knew how important this was to me and therefore immediately told me about it. My questions are: 1. Did I transgress the prohibition of relations with a married woman? 2. After she divorces according to halacha and if a serious relationship develops between us, can we marry according to halacha? (I know that a man who has had relations with a married woman cannot marry her according to halacha even after she has divorced her husband) Given that these are very sensitive halachic questions.. I hope that a rabbi well-versed in this topic will be able to answer them or if you could refer me to the right address. Thank you.
Answer
Hello
Engaging in sexual contact with unmarried women is indeed strictly forbidden [and the expression 'undesirable' in this matter is entirely misplaced], and generally, nowadays, there is hardly any difference in the severity of the prohibition between an unmarried woman and a married woman, since unmarried women are likely to be menstruating because they have not immersed in the mikvah after their cycle; thus, they are also subject to the prohibition of karet for being a niddah. However, in the case of a married woman, in addition to the punishment of karet, there is also the punishment of capital punishment by the court when the Temple existed and the Sanhedrin was in its place.
Furthermore, I must clarify a misunderstanding that could be inferred from your words: there is no difference in the severity of the prohibition between penetration with a condom and without a condom; in both cases, the prohibition is biblically mandated, and the punishments are accordingly.
According to your words, since you did not engage in penetration even minimally, you did not transgress the prohibition of relations with a married woman; however, you did transgress the prohibition of 'proximity to forbidden relations', which is a biblical prohibition that includes all types of physical affection involving bodily contact. After the individual gets divorced according to halacha, in principle, she is permitted to marry you according to halacha, provided you are not a kohen; however, even if this is the clear halacha, it is advisable to bring this matter before the rabbi who will arrange the *kiddushin* to confirm this.
And I remind you again that it is forbidden for you according to the Torah to have any physical contact with her that does not include penetration as long as she is not married to you according to the law of Moshe and Israel, and until then there are several prohibitions regarding your contact with her, the prohibition of proximity to forbidden relations due to being a married woman, the prohibition of proximity to forbidden relations due to being a niddah, and this prohibition will remain even after she divorces until she legitimately marries you according to halacha.
Even without physical contact, it is strictly forbidden for you to be alone with her in a room with a closed door until she marries you according to the law of Moshe and Israel.
Best of luck – Menashe Israel
