When Light Has No Vessel: A Lesson in Partnership

“Maya drives me crazy. She doesn’t know what she wants. She changes her mind every time. I even feel like she’s playing games with me and enjoying it,” Hazzy complained.

“I’m playing games with you? Enjoying this? Only your warped thinking could say something like that,” Maya shot back sharply.

“Hazzy,” I asked calmly, “can you give me an example?”

“An example? Come spend a single day in my life and you’ll see thousands.

“A month ago, she came to me and said that all her friends were going on family vacations abroad, and that we were the only ones not going. The moment I got to work, I started searching. Flights, hotels, rental cars. I built a full plan with routes and costs. I invested hours into it. That evening, when I came home excited to share everything with her, she suddenly said she didn’t think this year was a good time for us to go. In one second, she dismantled all the work I had done.”

When Effort Feels Erased

“What do you want?” Maya responded. “Ron has summer camp this year, and Daphna has rehearsals for her dance show. There are realities we have to adjust to. And do you know what he did when I said that? He crumpled all the papers he worked on for hours, threw them in the trash, and yelled at me not to talk about it anymore.”

“Hazzy,” I asked gently, “what did that moment stir in you?”

“I felt belittled,” he said. “In one word, erased. I put in hours, real effort, and suddenly in the evening she flips and tells me something else. It’s like everything I invested meant nothing. It hurts. It’s frustrating. It’s humiliating. And honestly, it makes me not want to invest at all.”

Understanding the Intention Beneath the Anger

“Hazzy,” I said, “you love Maya deeply and you genuinely want to invest your energy in her. That’s the intention behind everything you described. Let’s try to look at this from a different angle.

“The natural and refined movement of a man in a relationship is to direct his energies toward his wife. What gives a man a sense of meaning is when a woman can absorb, receive, and contain the strength he brings. This is the natural attraction in a relationship, emotionally and physically.

“When Maya mentioned the idea of a family vacation, she was, in effect, creating a vessel. You felt an opening to express your powers and fill that vessel.”

From Hazzy’s perspective, he gathered all his strength and focus. He set aside other concerns, invested time and thought, and directed all his energy toward fulfilling what he understood Maya wanted.

“That desire to focus on your wife fully is healthy and essential for connection,” I continued. “You should not lose that. What needs to change is not your intention, but your method.”

When Power Overwhelms the Vessel

“In a relationship, there must be tuning, step by step.

“When Maya raised the idea of a vacation and you immediately mobilized all your powers, something important happened. Even though you felt you were doing this for her, you did not truly see her. You saw your own inner drive. You took all the energy that had been waiting inside you and poured it out all at once.

“It’s like pouring a large jug into a tiny cup. The cup cannot hold it.

“When you then discover that the cup cannot contain what you poured into it, you break. And that break is understandable.”

This pattern repeats itself because Maya cannot contain all of Hazzy’s energy at once. Each time, Hazzy fills himself with expectations that his effort will land and be appreciated. When it does not, he feels crushed.

“You are both human,” I said. “She cannot naturally serve as a vessel for everything you release at once. So the cycle keeps repeating.”

Learning a Different Way

“It’s bizarre,” Hazzy said. “I give everything I have, and it’s still not enough. So what am I supposed to do differently?”

“For a relationship to succeed,” I replied, “you need to act beyond instinct. Your instinct is to shower your energy all at once, believing she is ready to receive it. That belief is an illusion.

“Instead, before unleashing your powers, you need to work together. Ask her if the timing works. Check how she feels. Share an idea and see if it resonates. Then move to the next step together. Your energy needs constant tuning to be truly absorbed.”

I turned to Maya.

“And you, Maya, have a role as well. It is your responsibility to clarify and express your desire precisely. Because you are the vessel, and he cannot guess it on his own.”