Finding Your Way Amidst the Noise: Navigating Dating Advice

Avital is frantically tossing shirts out of her closet, searching for the one that will best match the black skirt she loves.

They’ve arranged to meet at five; she only has half an hour left. She really needs to leave.

"You need to invest in your makeup; it adds so much to your look," suddenly pops into Avital’s head, the voice of Aunt Gila echoing from their last family gathering.

Avital skeptically examines herself in the mirror, rummaging through a drawer for her makeup, starting to apply it in a hurry.

On the bus, on her way, the image of her mother suddenly appears in her mind: "Avital, just remember, don’t tell him you’re studying at university! It might scare him off if he thinks you’re too smart. Or if he thinks you’re not religious enough."

"Okay, Mom. Okay. I won’t forget," Avital tells herself.

A few hours later, Avital sinks into the couch with a sigh, replaying the last few hours in her mind, feeling conflicted... as usual...

Why is it never quite what she wants?

Well, now she needs to decide what to do next.

"Avital, you know you can’t rule someone out after the first date!" she recalls Yahal, her friend from school, telling her.

Yahal is right, Avital thinks. I don’t want to miss out on something good. You really can’t get to know someone sincerely in just a few hours. But on the flip side, the date was genuinely awful. I have no desire to continue, Avital muses.

And here comes the comforting voice of her beloved Grandma Rina, who has told her countless times: "Don’t forget, no one is perfect, not even you."

She’s right, Avital thinks. I’m really not perfect.

And here’s her aunt’s voice again, reminding her: "Just don’t be too picky. Otherwise, you’ll be left alone."

Am I too picky? Avital wonders. I really don’t know. Where’s the line between being selective and the sense that something just isn’t right for me? How am I supposed to know when to compromise? What should I let go of and what should I keep?

And how do I decide whether to go on a second date with him, Hashem?

"What’s the harm in going out again? At worst, you lose an evening and gain a cup of coffee. Enjoy the fact that someone else is paying for you," she hears her married friend Shlomit say.

Enjoy the fact that someone is still paying for me, huh?

"Alright! Fine! I’ll continue," Avital says to herself with a sigh.

*

A month later...

Avital is still in the same relationship.

There’s no doubt they’ve been through quite a bit since then. Meetings, conversations, laughter, and plenty of deliberations.

Yes, Avital is still very much debating this relationship. While her reflections are now completely different from how she felt after the first date, she’s still... not at all sure how she feels about this guy.

Not sure if he’s the one for her. There are good things, and things that still bother her a lot. For some time now, Avital has felt that the relationship just isn’t progressing for her.

And here comes her dear grandmother's voice again: "Avital, no matter whom you marry, know that there will always be work involved!"

So what does that mean, Grandma? That I can marry anyone? Avital wonders.

Avital recalls her mother, who always says: "Avital, you need to feel really comfortable with him. That’s what ultimately matters."

And Shlomit, the married friend, saying: "You need to think about whether you want him to be the father of your children. Because life is mostly about diapers and sleepless nights...".

And Yahal: "I’m telling you, when it’s right – you’ll just know it’s right!".

And Aunt Gila, saying: "Avital, you can’t be so picky. If you don’t compromise, you’ll be alone!".

All these voices crowd Avital’s mind at once, speaking together.

She feels more and more confused until she shouts, "Okay! Fine! I’ll keep going!".

The next day...

"Listen, Avital..." he says during their meeting, after much hesitation and going in circles. "I feel that it’s... less of a fit. Do you understand? I don’t think this will work between us...".

"Hashem, what’s wrong with me??? Why can’t I get married already?".

Avital screams to the ceiling as she enters her room. Tears choke her throat.

And there’s Aunt Gila surfacing in her thoughts again, delivering the ultimate response: "It’s because you weren’t feminine enough. You need to be more accommodating, more attentive...".

Her grandmother says: "Men don’t like overly successful women. That’s your problem."

Shlomit: "Maybe you’re searching for something that isn’t right for you? Maybe you’re stuck in your imagination, and that’s why you’re getting stuck? You need to be more open! I married someone I didn’t think would be my husband either."

Yahal: "You need to learn how to create a closer connection. You’re too closed off and not opening up enough."

The noise in Avital’s head becomes terrible.

All the people she loves are speaking all at once, overlapping one another’s words.

Everyone just wants what’s best for her. But…

"Enough!!! Be quiet! Just be quiet!" she screams.

I want so much to listen to myself. Just myself. Avital thinks.

I want to know what work I need to do. How to move forward from here.

But... how?

I’m already so confused... Hashem...

***

All the people who love her want to help, listen, and advise...

Most of what’s said comes from love, and it could be that they’re also saying true and valid things.

But in the end, the voices that reach me from outside – the advice, the insights, the ideas – can also be profoundly confusing.

It’s clear that no one understands me like I do, and no one can fully know what’s happening inside me and what is right for me.

Why didn’t the date succeed?

Why did he cut me off?

Why aren’t I getting good suggestions?

Why can’t I make progress in my relationships?

And the biggest question: what do I need to do to move forward and manage to get married happily, *b’ezrat Hashem*? What’s the precise work I need to do?

So many questions, and it’s not always easy to find answers...

The most logical thing in the world is to want deep, connected, and genuine answers for myself. I want to feel that this is the most accurate thing I need to do.

And even when the people around me try to advise me, explain things, and shed light on my situations – often it just doesn’t resonate. It doesn’t feel real, not internal, and doesn’t connect with me.

These are people who truly love you and genuinely want to help (hopefully...), and their advice is sincere, wise, and valid (as previously mentioned...),

but –

Who knows you best? It’s you.

And even if the advice you received is helpful and good, only you know if it’s right for you at this moment, in this situation.

Learning from the experiences of others is wonderful and genuine.

Seeking professional guidance is excellent.

But in the end, the responsibility lies with you.

Being attentive to yourself, to what’s right for you, and if it’s not working – recalibrating!

Here are some tools that can help you examine the advice and tips you receive, and conduct an accurate inner clarification.

Generally, advice that is right for you, even if it’s not easy, will bring internal happiness, connect with the positive energies within you, and give you the strength to act. If you feel this way, that’s a good indicator you’re headed in the right direction. And when it doesn’t bring joy – perhaps it’s better not to...

And another question it’s worth asking yourself: Does this path advance me in my service to Hashem? Or maybe not? Does it bring me closer to Him or push me away?

Within each of us is a divine soul, whispering to us what’s right for us, what Hashem would want for us. Its voices are internal and not always easy to hear. But if you listen carefully – *b’ezrat Hashem* you will merit to conduct a deep and thorough inner reflection.

Nechama Bitkover is the head of the "Depth of Connection" Institute, which focuses on emotional coaching for marriage, and manages a school for training coaches and therapists.