Marriage and Honoring Parents: Finding the Right Balance

Honoring one's parents is one of the foundations of healthy relationships and strong character. That respect influences not only family life, but marriage as well. The way a person relates to their own parents, and to their spouse’s parents, often says a great deal about how they approach relationships in general.

At first glance, this idea may seem contradictory. If someone is deeply devoted to their parents, could that come at the expense of their spouse?

Rabbi Shmuel Kovalsky, of blessed memory, once asked the Chazon Ish about a young woman who was known for her deep devotion to her parents. She constantly sought their guidance, fulfilled their wishes, and invested significant time and energy in caring for them. Would this raise concerns for a future marriage? Might such devotion prevent her from giving proper attention to her husband?

The Chazon Ish responded clearly: “A young woman who honors her father and mother will certainly honor her husband in the same way.”

In other words, honoring parents properly does not weaken a marriage. In many ways, it strengthens it.

At the same time, Torah values teach that after marriage, a woman’s first responsibility is to her husband, and afterward, if her husband does not object, she should continue honoring her parents as well.

Honoring In-Laws Matters Too

Marriage also creates new responsibilities toward a spouse’s parents. A husband should honor his wife’s parents, and a wife should honor her husband’s parents.

As the Sefer Chareidim teaches: “The father and mother of one are like the father and mother of the other.”

Respect within extended family relationships creates greater peace, understanding, and emotional stability within the home itself.

Marriage Requires Emotional Independence

During childhood, parents are naturally the center of a child’s world. They provide support, guidance, love, and security. A child depends on them emotionally and practically, and much of his personality develops through that relationship.

As children grow into adolescence, some distancing naturally occurs. Teenagers begin forming their own opinions, identities, and personal choices. This process, while sometimes uncomfortable, is a healthy part of emotional development.

But the true transition into independence happens through marriage.

The Torah teaches that when a person builds a new home, he must gradually step out of emotional dependence on his parents in order to fully connect to his spouse and create a new shared life.

That does not mean abandoning parents or reducing respect for them. Quite the opposite. The mitzvah of honoring parents remains unchanged.

What does need to change is emotional dependence.

A healthy marriage can only flourish when both husband and wife fully commit to one another emotionally and take responsibility for building their own home together.

“A Man Shall Leave His Father and Mother”

Our Sages discuss this idea in a powerful Midrash about Isaac after the passing of his mother, Sarah. The Midrash explains that Isaac mourned deeply for his mother until he married Rebecca, at which point his emotional bond shifted toward building a life with his wife.

The Midrash explains that before marriage, much of a person’s emotional attachment centers on parents. After marriage, that emotional connection naturally shifts toward one’s spouse, fulfilling the verse: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife.”

The Midrash makes clear that this does not cancel the mitzvah of honoring parents. Rather, it means that a person’s deepest emotional attachment now belongs within the marriage.

Humility and Respect Build Strong Relationships

The mitzvah of honoring parents teaches a person humility, patience, and respect for perspectives different from their own.

Learning to listen, show restraint, and give honor to others creates emotional maturity that carries directly into marriage. A person who learns to respect parents will often be better equipped to respect a spouse’s needs, opinions, and feelings as well.

Marriage becomes healthier when each spouse understands that not every disagreement requires control or intervention. Respect, humility, and emotional balance allow both partners to grow together while preserving each person’s individuality.

Ultimately, honoring parents is not meant to compete with marriage. When approached properly, it becomes one of the qualities that helps create a stronger, healthier, and more peaceful home.

Avraham Sheharbani is a couples and family counselor, addiction therapist, lecturer on family relationships, and member of the Israeli Association for Marital and Family Counseling.