One Child Pulled Away: Did We Fail as Parents?

“We are parents of seven children, thank Hashem. Most of them are wonderful kids, respectful, attentive, and deeply connected to our home and values. But we have one son who seems to reject everything we are trying to instill. We feel that perhaps we made mistakes that caused him to drift away. What can we do?”

First, it is important to recognize the blessing Hashem has given you. You built a beautiful family and raised seven children, thank Hashem.

What you are describing is something many parents experience, including deeply devoted and loving parents. Often, most of the children remain connected and on track, while one child begins searching elsewhere, resisting, questioning, or pulling away.

Naturally, this creates fear, pain, and often guilt.

As parents, we want the very best for our children. When we feel a child may be heading in a difficult direction, we immediately begin searching ourselves for mistakes and wondering what we could have done differently.

But sometimes, in the middle of the worry, parents overlook something important: the larger picture.

Look at Everything You Have Built

You describe children who are respectful, emotionally connected, and continuing in the path you taught them. That alone says a tremendous amount about the home you created and the values you gave your family.

It reflects warmth, consistency, guidance, and strong parenting.

Parents can influence a great deal, but there is one thing that ultimately does not belong entirely to us: free choice.

Even Hashem Himself created a world where people have the ability to choose.

That means there is an important distinction parents must learn to make: separating what is their responsibility from what is beyond their control.

Your Role Is to Show the Direction

A parent’s responsibility is to teach, guide, model values, and create a healthy home environment.

A father who wakes up to pray, makes an effort to attend a minyan, or treats Torah seriously teaches powerful lessons without needing many words.

A mother who works on modesty, kindness, patience, and spiritual growth teaches those same values through her actions every day.

Children absorb far more from what they see than from what they are told.

The fact that most of your children are following the path you modeled is strong evidence that your educational messages entered deeply into the home.

And even the child who is resisting still reflects the home he came from. In order to push against a direction, a child first has to know what that direction is.

Resistance Does Not Mean the Story Is Over

It is important not to define a child permanently by the stage they are currently going through.

Sometimes the very traits causing parents pain today may later become tremendous strengths.

A child who is stubborn may eventually become someone deeply principled and strong in his convictions. A child who questions everything may one day build a deep and thoughtful connection to Hashem through those very questions.

Growth often takes complicated paths.

Parents do not always get to see the full picture immediately.

Keep the Relationship Strong

One of the most important things parents can do during difficult periods is preserve connection.

A child who feels constantly judged, labeled, or rejected may distance himself further. But a child who feels loved, respected, and emotionally safe remains connected to the relationship, even while struggling internally.

That connection itself can become the bridge back later on.

Continue setting healthy boundaries and maintaining the values of the home, but do so with warmth, patience, and faith in your child’s inner goodness.

With Hashem’s help, the day may come when the very child causing the greatest worry today will become a tremendous source of nachat tomorrow.

Noa Harel is a parent coach, couples counselor, and relationship consultant.