Are Your Kids Helicopters—or Airplanes?

I have a confession: I was never good at soccer. I cannot really explain why. Maybe some of my athletic abilities were not developed enough, maybe I did not practice enough, maybe I did not want it badly enough, and maybe I simply ended up in other lanes based on my friends, the opportunities I had, and the things that interested me more at the time. Bottom line: I was always a pretty bad soccer player.

I never excelled at music either. My parents signed me up for guitar lessons and keyboard lessons, but I quit after a lesson and a half. I am also hopelessly off-key, and in short, a musical career was never an option for me.

I could go on listing my shortcomings (baruch Hashem, there are a few more), but I will stop here. I managed, more or less, despite those weaknesses. Over time, I developed other strengths, based on the abilities I do have, and on the opportunities and situations that helped me develop them. Baruch Hashem.

When someone struggles with skills like diligence, reading ability, persistence, and concentration, life is more complicated. The systems immediately give these kids a label and a name, and that causes them to be moved into a different department, switched into a different box, made into someone different. The situation is not hopeless; it is absolutely possible to help them. There are ways to develop these skills, and there are methods that help children grow stronger in them, by strengthening the brakes through methods like "CogFun," or sometimes by weakening the engine a bit so the brakes can work, and in that way become more effective (medication treatment).

But when someone lacks skills like cognitive flexibility and the ability to adapt to a new situation—usually this is part of a package deal that comes along with attention disorders or oppositional behavior, though not necessarily—then the child has a real challenge. A child like this has trouble adjusting to new situations, so in class he behaves as though he is still at recess; when the family arrives at an event or celebration, the child does not act in a way that fits the moment, just plays outside, or disrupts things. And that draws fire. Everyone immediately attributes bad character traits to him, and he gets hit with accusations and punishments, when in fact he is not a bad child at all. It is simply that this skill of adapting needs a little more time, in his case, to develop and mature.

You can think of it like aircraft: an average child is like a helicopter, able to lift off and detach quickly, and then land anywhere, moving from one environment to another, from one situation to the next. But a child who lacks that flexibility is more like an airplane. He cannot suddenly lift into the air all at once. He needs to warm up the engine, build speed on the runway, and only then take off. And when landing, he also needs a runway and a gradual descent. There are children like this, who need time, preparation, and a process in order to take off or land. And when we understand that this is genuinely hard for them, that they truly need help with it, then we can use all kinds of strategies to prepare them and support them—instead of colliding with them, crushing them, and breaking them. That will not help. For example, if there is a family event or celebration, you can have a "prep talk" with the child, explaining the importance of the event, its meaning, and the expected behavior, with clear boundaries and expectations, and also offer incentives and motivation that will help him meet those expectations and behave appropriately. Tools like these can help "airplane" kids behave in ways that fit the situation, and successfully develop and advance these skills.