Why Do So Many Good People Struggle to Build Healthy Relationships?

There are some posts that stay with you long after they are written.

This is one of them.

I began writing it late at night after several false starts, convinced that there were more important topics I should address. I considered writing about relationships, marriage, and many of the challenges people face in building a healthy home. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that beneath all of those subjects lies a deeper issue—one that affects not only marriage, but every meaningful relationship in our lives.

A number of years ago, after studying marriage counseling and working extensively with individuals and couples, I decided to deepen my understanding of relationships even further. I enrolled in advanced training specializing in couples work, hoping to better understand why some people struggle to build healthy relationships while others seem able to create strong and lasting connections.

There are many reasons people have difficulty finding a suitable partner, maintaining a healthy marriage, or building satisfying relationships. Every story is unique. Yet alongside the individual circumstances, there are several foundational factors that often determine whether a relationship will thrive or struggle.

The following principles, adapted from material I studied with my lecturer Annabella Shaked in a Relationship Coaching course, continue to shape the way I understand human connection.

1. Lack of Readiness for Relationship

One of the greatest challenges in any relationship is accepting that life with another person will never look exactly the way we imagined.

Some people unconsciously expect their spouse to think as they do, want what they want, and support every personal preference they have. They experience compromise as a threat to their freedom rather than as a natural part of partnership.

A healthy relationship requires the ability to make room for another person's needs. It means recognizing that someone else's happiness matters, even when it occasionally comes at the expense of our own comfort or preferences.

2. Unrealistic Expectations

High expectations often lead to deep disappointments.

Many people enter relationships believing that marriage will solve their loneliness, insecurities, frustrations, or personal struggles. They imagine that once they find the right person, everything will fall into place.

Reality is different.

Marriage does not eliminate life's challenges. In many ways, it introduces new ones. The difference is that we face them together.

Others search for the perfect partner: someone sensitive yet assertive, spontaneous yet dependable, serious yet entertaining, ambitious yet endlessly available.

The problem is simple. Such a person does not exist.

Healthy relationships are built when people learn to appreciate real human beings rather than idealized fantasies.

3. Low Self-Worth

A healthy sense of self-worth means knowing that we have value, that we contribute to the world, and that we are capable of coping with life's challenges.

When self-worth is weak, people often become preoccupied with themselves and their emotional wounds. They interpret ordinary events as personal attacks and may become highly sensitive to criticism or rejection.

This can create power struggles within relationships. Instead of building connection, each person becomes focused on protecting themselves, proving themselves, or defending their position.

A healthy bond becomes difficult to maintain under those conditions.

4. Lack of Social Awareness

Social awareness is the ability to take genuine interest in other people.

It includes empathy, caring, and a desire to contribute to someone else's well-being.

Modern culture often places enormous emphasis on personal happiness and self-fulfillment. While those goals are important, relationships require something more.

A successful relationship is not built solely on what we receive. It also depends on what we are willing to give.

5. Making Others Feel They Are Never Good Enough

Many people who struggle in relationships share a common tendency: they leave others feeling inadequate.

They are frequently disappointed by people, situations, and circumstances. As a result, those around them often feel criticized, judged, or perpetually unable to meet expectations.

Emotionally healthy people naturally seek relationships where they feel valued and appreciated. When someone repeatedly communicates disappointment, others often distance themselves in order to protect their own sense of worth.

The Skills Relationships Require

People who develop realistic expectations, healthy self-worth, social awareness, and the ability to compromise for the sake of a relationship are far more likely to build lasting and satisfying partnerships.

The encouraging news is that these abilities can be learned.

Through therapy, coaching, workshops, study, and personal growth, people can identify the patterns that shape their relationships and gradually develop healthier ways of thinking, feeling, and acting.

When our patterns change, our relationships often change as well.

Why This Matters More Than Ever

For many years, I have felt a growing concern about the way we prepare young people for marriage and family life.

Previous generations often relied on families and communities to provide this preparation. Today, life is more complex.

Young people face more choices, more distractions, greater expectations, and far more confusion than earlier generations. They are expected to build strong relationships without necessarily having learned the skills required to do so.

Many struggle to listen deeply. Many find it difficult to express their needs clearly. Others expect immediate results and become discouraged when relationships require patience, effort, and growth.

These are not character flaws. They are skills that were never fully taught.

Relationship Skills Should Be Taught Early

Communication is not something a person masters during engagement or a few weeks before a wedding.

The ability to listen, empathize, communicate clearly, manage differences, and maintain healthy relationships develops gradually over many years.

Just as children learn mitzvot step by step, relationship skills should also be taught progressively, beginning in childhood and continuing through adolescence and young adulthood.

At age five, a child understands listening differently than at age ten. At age sixteen, the understanding deepens again.

Like any important life skill, relationships require ongoing learning and practice.

Building Strong Homes for the Future

No bride becomes endlessly patient, empathetic, and emotionally mature the moment she stands beneath the chuppah.

No groom does either.

Healthy marriages require tools, practice, self-awareness, and ongoing growth long after the wedding day.

That is why relationship education should not be viewed as a luxury. It is one of the most important preparations we can give the next generation.

Each of us has a responsibility to help our children develop the skills needed to build strong, healthy, and lasting relationships.

Not everyone is guaranteed a successful marriage. But many more people could achieve one if they were given the preparation, guidance, and support that our generation so desperately needs.

These thoughts have lived in my heart for years.

Today, I finally put them into words.

Dvori Rubinstein (Vakshtok) is the founder and director of the Switch Center for Change.