When Other People's Opinions Control Your Life

We all have moments when a single comment, criticism, or disappointment can shake us far more than it should. One difficult phone call, one person's frustration, or one impossible situation can suddenly leave us questioning our worth, our abilities, and even our place in the world.

But what happens when our self-worth depends entirely on what others think of us? And how do we remain grounded when the people around us are all pulling us in different directions? Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger shares a personal story about guilt, boundaries, and the difficult but essential journey toward finding an inner voice that is not controlled by everyone else's expectations.

A Morning That Went Wrong

One morning began completely on the wrong foot.

I woke up later than usual with a nagging headache. A cup of black coffee didn't help; if anything, it made things worse. The children were late getting to school, and I felt like a failure as a father. Even my hurried prayer seemed to deepen the sense that I wasn't where I should be.

Then came the phone call.

"Rabbi, I'm very disappointed with the process we're going through. Things have only gotten worse since we started. I'm not interested in continuing. Thank you, and all the best."

That was all it took.

Within moments, a flood of self-criticism took over. One voice told me I was failing professionally. Another told me I wasn't a good father. Yet another questioned my spiritual standing.

It was not a pleasant place to be.

Looking for Relief

Trying to escape the feelings, I walked to the neighborhood store and bought something sweet.

A chocolate pudding seemed like exactly what I needed. For a few minutes, the sweetness worked. The heaviness lifted slightly, and I felt a small measure of comfort.

But it didn't last.

Soon enough, the feelings returned. The disappointment, guilt, and self-pity washed over me again, stronger than before.

And then I stopped.

I took a deep breath and asked myself a simple question:

"Who exactly is in charge of your self-worth?"

Yesterday, I had felt capable and successful. Couples had called asking for guidance because they had heard good things about my work. Their praise had made me feel confident and valuable.

Today, one difficult phone call had erased all of that.

How could that be?

Was my value really determined by whichever opinion I happened to hear last?

Another Test

A few hours later, Hashem sent me another challenge.

Suddenly, four people needed me at exactly the same time.

One son wanted a ride to a friend's house. My wife needed help getting the younger children ready for bed. Another child wanted me to review his Mishnah assignment. My mother called about an urgent matter that couldn't wait.

Everyone needed something.

Everyone had a legitimate request.

And I could not be in four places at once.

On the surface, it looked like a scheduling problem. But underneath, it was really a question of priorities, responsibility, and relationships.

Who comes first?

Who waits?

Who gets disappointed?

No matter what choice I made, someone would be unhappy.

The Cost of Pleasing Everyone

Many people face situations like these every day, especially in large or blended families.

We're constantly balancing competing needs and trying to make everyone happy. A spouse needs us. A child needs us. A parent needs us. Work needs us.

The pressure can become overwhelming.

For many years, I didn't know how to set healthy boundaries. The slightest sign of dissatisfaction from someone else would immediately throw me off balance.

I worried constantly.

What if they're angry with me?

What if I disappoint them?

What if they think badly of me?

The stress became so intense that my body eventually began reacting to it.

When the Body Speaks

Over time, I developed severe problems with my voice.

My throat would tighten, and speaking became increasingly difficult. At times, I could barely get words out.

I tried speech therapy. I practiced exercises. I tried various remedies.

Nothing helped for long.

Eventually, I underwent surgery on my vocal cords. For a short while, things improved.

Then the problem returned.

That was when I began to realize that the issue wasn't only physical.

The throat is our instrument of expression. If a person spends years silencing themselves, suppressing their needs, and living according to everyone else's expectations, eventually something begins to protest.

My throat was expressing something I hadn't been willing to say:

"I want the freedom to speak honestly. I want the freedom to be myself."

Learning to Face Fear

The real work began when I stopped running from fear.

Instead of trying to eliminate uncomfortable feelings, I learned to sit with them.

What happens if someone is disappointed in me?

What happens if someone is upset?

What happens if I cannot solve everyone's problems?

Slowly, I learned that those feelings would not destroy me.

And from that place, I could finally begin asking healthier questions.

What do I actually think?

What do I believe is right?

What choice aligns with my values?

Those questions are far more useful than constantly asking how to keep everyone satisfied.

The Strings Exercise

In our marriage counseling training program, we use an exercise that powerfully illustrates this challenge.

One participant sits in the center of the room while the other participants form a circle around them. Each person represents someone significant in their life—a spouse, child, parent, sibling, employer, friend, or relative.

The participant in the center holds a bundle of strings. One end remains in their hand, while the other ends are distributed around the circle.

Then each person begins pulling on their string while expressing a complaint or demand:

"You don't help enough."

"You never make time for me."

"You care more about everyone else."

"Why didn't you do what I asked?"

As the pulling intensifies, something fascinating happens.

The person in the center begins to feel torn in multiple directions at once.

It quickly becomes obvious that whoever pulls hardest often receives the greatest response.

But is that really how life should work?

Should the loudest person always determine our choices?

Should the person who knows how to push our buttons receive more attention than everyone else?

Of course not.

Holding On to Yourself

Healthy relationships require sensitivity, responsibility, and generosity.

But they also require something else: a stable inner backbone.

A person who is constantly pulled by every demand, criticism, or emotional reaction eventually loses themselves.

self wLearning to remain steady while listening to others is not easy work.

It takes courage.

It takes practice.

But the reward is enormous.

When we stop allowing every outside voice to determine our worth, we become capable of making wiser decisions, building healthier relationships, and living with much greater peace of mind.

Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger is a counselor and the founder of a school for training marriage counselors.