What Tisha B'Av Can Teach Us About Toxic Friendships

Tisha B'Av is a time for reflection. As we mourn the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash and think about the causes that led to it, many people focus on one of the most famous teachings of our sages: that the Second Temple was destroyed because of baseless hatred.

But repairing relationships is not only about learning to love others more. It also means learning to recognize when a relationship is unhealthy, setting appropriate boundaries, and treating both ourselves and others with dignity and respect.

When Friendship Stops Feeling Like Friendship

Psychologists point out that while healthy relationships can strengthen us, unhealthy ones can leave us emotionally exhausted.

One increasingly discussed phenomenon is the toxic friendship—a relationship in which one person is constantly giving while the other is always taking. These relationships may be marked by criticism, contempt, manipulation, or a lack of genuine care. Instead of leaving us feeling supported and appreciated, they leave us drained, discouraged, and emotionally depleted.

Sometimes these patterns develop gradually over many years, making them difficult to recognize. What once felt like a meaningful friendship may slowly become a source of stress and frustration.

Warning Signs to Watch For

Mental health experts identify several common warning signs of an unhealthy friendship.

Do you regularly feel worse after spending time with a particular person? Is the relationship consistently one-sided? Do conversations revolve around their needs while yours are ignored? Is jealousy disguised as humor, or criticism disguised as honesty?

These patterns may indicate that a relationship has lost its healthy balance.

Just as fasting encourages us to pay attention to the needs of our bodies, relationships require us to pay attention to the needs of our hearts.

The Importance of Healthy Boundaries

The first step is honest self-awareness.

Ask yourself: Do I feel respected in this relationship? Am I valued? Is there room for my feelings and needs as well? Is there a healthy balance of giving and receiving?

If the answers raise concerns, it does not necessarily mean the friendship must end. Often, a sincere and respectful conversation can lead to meaningful change.

Expressing feelings openly—without blame or accusation—may help both people better understand each other's needs and expectations.

At the same time, healthy relationships require mutual effort. If repeated attempts to address the problem are met with indifference or dismissal, creating some distance may sometimes be necessary.

From Baseless Hatred to Healthy Relationships

Tisha B'Av challenges us to repair what has been broken—not only in our history, but also in our personal lives.

That includes strengthening our ability to love others, forgive others, and show kindness. But it also means learning to build relationships rooted in respect, reciprocity, and genuine care.

According to many therapists, emotional well-being sometimes requires letting go of relationships that consistently cause harm. Doing so is not an act of hatred. In many cases, it is an act of self-respect.

As we reflect on the lessons of Tisha B'Av, perhaps one of the most meaningful questions we can ask is not only whether we are being good friends to others, but whether the relationships in our lives are helping us become the people we are meant to be.