Tisha B’Av and the Courage to Feel: Finding Redemption Through Pain and Longing

Here we are, on the eve of Tisha B’Av, a wounded sheep surrounded by seventy hungry wolves. Very hungry wolves. And if we were not constantly lifting our eyes Heavenward, we would not still be here.

The Jewish calendar teaches us how to work with our emotions. On Purim, we learn how to experience joy. On Passover, we explore inner freedom. On Chanukah, we confront the battle between holiness and impurity. Each holiday guides us toward a different aspect of spiritual growth.

And then comes Tisha B’Av.

We are experts at protecting ourselves from pain. We do everything possible to wrap our hearts in layers of defense so we do not have to feel it. We suppress, deny, explain, distract, and joke our way around it. Most of the time, it works remarkably well. We choose whether to look at the pain or push it aside and pretend we never saw it.

But during the Nine Days, we are invited — perhaps even obligated, to sit down with our pain. It exists whether we acknowledge it or not. Tisha B’Av offers us the opportunity to finally meet it.

Imagine that you are running. Running and running and running. Someone stops you and asks, “Why are you running?”

Out of breath, you answer, “Monsters.”

You keep running. Your strength is fading, your legs are weakening, and you know you cannot continue much longer. Yet you keep running because the alternative seems worse.

What would happen if you stopped? What if you had to face the monsters?

Then the person who questioned you offers a different suggestion.

“What if you stopped for a moment? What if we looked at these monsters together? Let's place them right in front of us and deal with them one at a time. Maybe they aren't as terrifying as they seem. Maybe some of them don't even exist. Come. Let’s find out.”

“But I'm afraid,” you reply. “That's exactly why I'm running.”

Eventually, however, there is no choice. Exhausted, you stop running. One by one, the monsters arrive. And you discover that running from them was far more exhausting than facing them.

The Invitation of Tisha B’Av

Tisha B’Av invites us to sit with our pain, with our difficult emotions, and become acquainted with them.

Most of us know how to handle positive emotions. Joy, excitement, gratitude, and celebration come naturally. But learning how to navigate sorrow, grief, disappointment, loneliness, and longing, requires skill, courage, and practice.

And yet, this may be one of the most important skills we can develop.

Throughout life, difficult emotions accompany us. They appear in our homes, marriages, friendships, workplaces, and relationships with our children. If we spend our lives running from pain, we risk missing some of the deepest opportunities for growth, healing, and connection.

“All Who Pursue God Can Find Him”

The verse states, “All her pursuers overtook her between the straits” (Lamentations 1:3).

Rabbi Nachman of Breslov famously interprets the verse differently, reading it as a reference to those who pursue God. Those who seek Him during these difficult days can attain a unique closeness that is not available at other times.

It is a remarkable thought.

The days of Bein HaMetzarim are not only days of mourning. They are days of extraordinary spiritual potential. Even within concealment, God can be found.

Our souls know this, and deep down, they long for that connection.

What the Exiles Cried For

When the Jewish people sat by the rivers of Babylon after the destruction of the Temple, they endured unimaginable suffering. The Book of Lamentations describes horrors that are almost impossible to comprehend.

Yet when we read Psalm 137, we discover something surprising.

“By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat and wept when we remembered Zion.”

They did not cry primarily over physical suffering. They cried over longing, and because they remembered what they had lost. They mourned the disappearance of God's revealed presence. They missed the spiritual center that had once nourished their souls. They knew what it felt like to be close to God, and they longed for that closeness.

We, by contrast, are so far removed from that reality that we sometimes forget what we are missing.

If You Cannot Cry for the Temple

The Chiddushei HaRim of Ger teaches a powerful lesson: “If a Jew cannot cry over the destruction of the Temple, let him cry over his own destruction.”

There is something deeply comforting about this idea.

Most of us do not struggle to identify our personal losses. We know our disappointments. We know our wounds. We know the places where we have fallen short, the relationships that hurt, the dreams that remain unfulfilled, the parts of ourselves we wish were different.

Tisha B’Av is a time to bring those personal sorrows into the conversation. Not because they replace mourning for Jerusalem, but because they help us understand it.

Every personal exile points toward the greater exile. Every broken place echoes the greater brokenness of a world still waiting for redemption.

Questions Worth Asking

The days leading up to Tisha B’Av are an ideal time for quiet reflection. But reflection rarely happens on its own. We must make room for it.

We need to move aside the endless tasks, distractions, and emotional layers we use to avoid ourselves. Then, for a few moments, we sit quietly — alone with the One who created us.

Perhaps we can ask ourselves: How do I really feel? What am I grieving? What hurts? What would I most like to see redeemed in my life? What does my heart long for? These questions may lead to the most meaningful and comforting conversation you have ever had.

Because when the Creator of the universe looks into your eyes and asks, “What hurts? What are you carrying?” there is no greater comfort than that.

Bring Your Words

The prophet Hosea teaches: “Take words with you and return to the Lord.”

Come as you are. Bring your fear, your disappointment, your frustration, your sadness, and your confusion.

The moments of pain are often the moments when relationships deepen the most — if we stay, remain present, and if we are willing to look honestly at what hurts.

The same is true in our relationship with God.

The Three Weeks are days of sorrow and uncertainty, but they are also an invitation to strengthen our connection to Him precisely through those emotions.

Creating Space for Reflection

We live in a world overflowing with noise.

A graphic designer recently told me that the amount of time people can focus on a single image keeps shrinking year after year. Today, many people cannot look at one image for more than a fleeting moment before moving on.

Noise. Distraction. Endless stimulation. That is why these days call upon us to cultivate clarity of mind and inner stillness.

Do not give up on yourself. Take time, especially during these final days before Tisha B’Av and on Tisha B’Av itself, to sit quietly and reflect.

The Final Push

During one such moment of reflection, I remembered a story.

A king spent years trying to bring down a massive wall. Despite tremendous effort, it remained standing.

Finally, a wise man told him, “Your work has already weakened the wall. It is almost ready to fall. All it needs now is for a few children to come and push it.”

And so they did.

A few children arrived, gave the wall a gentle push, and it collapsed.

As I thought about that story, I realized something.

Perhaps I do not fully appreciate the power of my own small efforts. Perhaps I underestimate the possibility that a simple prayer, offered by an ordinary person, might help bring redemption closer.

I sat with that thought, and slowly, something changed.

My shoulders straightened, my hope returned, and for a few moments, I truly believed that my small prayer could matter.

Yes.

That prayer.

The small one.

Mine, and yours, can help bring redemption.

Fighting a War We Know We Will Win

The Chafetz Chaim once said: “In every war, it is impossible to know the outcome while the battle is still being fought. But in this war, we already know how it ends. Scripture tells us: ‘I will remove the spirit of impurity from the earth,’ and ‘The Lord shall be King over all the earth.’”

What a gift it is to fight when we know that the ending will be good.

We have been promised that redemption will come, and that the darkness will not last forever. And so we continue. We pray, we hope, we yearn, we cry, and we believe.

Redemption is coming soon.