Parenting Q&A: Friendship, Therapy, and Sibling Rivalry

Question: "My 6½-year-old daughter is in first grade. She's a sweet child, but since the beginning of the school year she's been saying she has no friends and that she's "all alone," as she puts it. For example, she'll bring a jump rope to school, but the other girls only want her to turn the rope while they jump. How can I help her? I'm not there during the school day to step in or guide her through these situations."

A situation like the one you describe can have several possible causes, and there are different ways to approach it. Here's one perspective.

It may be that interactions with her classmates are stirring feelings that already exist beneath the surface—feelings that she isn't good enough, doesn't belong, or isn't as important as the other children. When she experiences what feels like rejection, such as always being the one turning the jump rope, those feelings become stronger, making it difficult for her to move past them.

One of the most important things you can help her develop is a sense of self-worth that comes from within. Right now, she may be looking to her friendships for validation and confidence, but those are needs that ultimately have to grow from inside herself.

When your daughter begins to see herself as someone worthy of joining in, she will naturally carry herself differently. Her interpretation of situations may also begin to change. Even if she's asked to hold the rope sometimes, she may no longer see it as proof that she isn't included, because her sense of worth won't depend entirely on what the other children are doing.

(Inbal Elhayani, MA, certified NLP and guided imagery therapist)

What's the Difference Between CBT and Psychodynamic Therapy?

Question: "What's the difference between CBT and traditional emotional therapy, such as psychodynamic therapy?"

One of the main differences is the role each approach gives to the past.

Psychodynamic therapy focuses on understanding unconscious patterns and early life experiences in order to uncover the roots of current emotional struggles. The idea is that many present day difficulties are shaped by past experiences, so exploring those experiences can help bring healing.

CBT, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, takes a different approach. Rather than focusing primarily on the past, it concentrates on the present. It looks at the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that are maintaining the current problem and teaches practical strategies for changing them.

Another key difference is that CBT is typically short term and goal oriented. Many people seek therapy because they want practical tools they can begin using right away. CBT aims to provide those tools, helping people develop coping skills they can continue using long after therapy has ended.

(Yaffa Ifargen, MA, educator and CBT therapist in the "Nafshi B'She'elati" department)

How Can I Prevent Competition Between My Children?

Question: "I've heard it's important to spend one-on-one time with each child, so I've started setting aside individual playtime with each of them. The problem is that it's created a quiet competition over who gets more of Mom's time. How can I prevent that?"

Whenever possible, try to include more activities that everyone can enjoy together, especially cooperative games that involve working toward a shared goal rather than competing against one another.

When you do spend one-on-one time with each child, let it be something unique to that child rather than trying to make everything equal. One child may enjoy talking together before bed, another may love playing a favorite game, while a third might appreciate taking a walk with you. The goal isn't identical time, but meaningful time that fits each child's personality and stage of life.

It's also important for every child to feel that your love is personal. Each child should know they are receiving what they need, even if it doesn't look exactly the same as what a sibling receives.

If a child asks, "Why did my brother get that?" try to respond calmly and reassure them that everyone receives what is right for them.

Avoid comparing your children to one another. For example, if it's one child's birthday, choose a gift that's meaningful for that child without feeling obligated to buy gifts for everyone else. At the same time, it's lovely to encourage the birthday child to share treats with the family and celebrate together.

When children grow up understanding that every person is unique and valued for who they are, jealousy tends to lose its power. Recognizing each child's individuality is often one of the best ways to reduce sibling rivalry.

(Michal Wilman, parent coach for preteens and sensitive children in the Yahalom department)