How Parents Shape Their Children’s Values

A child’s values, character, spiritual identity, aspirations, faith, and outlook on life are shaped primarily through two powerful influences: the guidance received from parents and educators, and the personal example the child observes in the adults around them.

Only a small part of a young child’s personality develops through conclusions reached independently through reflection. Later, as the child grows into adolescence and young adulthood, those early beliefs and values are examined more critically. Some will be retained, while others may be questioned or discarded.

For this reason, parents must pay careful attention not only to what they explicitly teach their children, but also to what they communicate indirectly. The words spoken at home, the stories children hear, the people their parents admire, and even the things that make their parents’ eyes light up can quietly shape a child’s inner world for years to come.

The Educational Power of Words

Some parents are naturally quiet, while others are highly verbal. Whatever their temperament, parents should recognize that speech is one of the most important tools they possess for transmitting values to their children. The key is to use it thoughtfully and appropriately.

The Talmud notes that women generally have a greater tendency toward speech than men. A thought that a man might express in a single sentence may be expressed by a woman through a fuller and more detailed explanation. This ability can serve an important purpose in raising children. Through words, a mother can explain what is right, encourage a child after disappointment, offer comfort following a loss, bring reconciliation after an argument, calm anger, and, above all, guide a child toward the proper path.

Parents should therefore adapt the way they speak to the circumstances. When the atmosphere is relaxed and the children are curious and receptive, an important subject can be explored at length. Parents can listen to questions, discuss ideas, and respond patiently. When emotions are running high and children are in no state to absorb a lengthy explanation, the message should be brief, calm, and unmistakably clear.

Interestingly, when adults look back on childhood, some of their most cherished memories are not necessarily the toys, treats, or clothes their parents gave them. Often, they remember the values their parents imparted and the simple phrases that became guiding principles for life.

“My father always used to tell me, ‘A wise person thinks ahead.’”

“My parents taught me, ‘You never lose by giving in.’”

Or, “Think before you act.”

A few simple words, repeated at the right moments, can accompany a child for a lifetime.

Every parent should therefore occasionally ask: What educational message will my child remember from me? What wisdom does my child hear from me when I am not angry, frustrated, or reacting to something that went wrong? What loving advice am I giving my child today that might still guide him or her decades from now?

The Extraordinary Power of a Story

Stories are another exceptionally powerful educational tool, particularly for young children and especially at bedtime. Precisely because stories have such influence, parents should choose them carefully.

A good story can teach faith and trust in Hashem, respect for others, refinement of character, honesty, respect for other people’s property, self-control, delayed gratification, joy, kindness, and countless other values.

Rabbi Shimshon Pincus once recalled two stories he had heard as a child. Looking back as an adult, he reflected on the radically different messages they had planted in a young mind.

The first was a story about Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev.

One Seder night, before beginning Kiddush, Rabbi Levi Yitzchak told his students that he would not begin until they brought him three things: silk clothing that had been smuggled from India, glassware smuggled from Turkey, and a piece of bread from a Jewish home.

His students scattered throughout the town.

They approached smugglers and succeeded in obtaining the illicit silk and glassware. But despite searching throughout the Jewish community, they could not find even a crumb of bread.

When they returned, Rabbi Levi Yitzchak stood and declared:

“Master of the Universe, look at Your extraordinary children! The king has stationed guards at the borders to prevent smuggling, and anyone caught violating his law faces severe punishment. Yet when I ask for smuggled silk, it can be found. When I ask for smuggled glassware, it can be found. But You wrote only one verse in Your Torah commanding that chametz not be seen during Pesach. There are no police standing outside Jewish homes and no soldiers enforcing Your command, yet I cannot find a single piece of bread anywhere in the town. Who is like Your people Israel, one nation on earth!”

With that, he began Kiddush, filled with spiritual elevation.

Rabbi Pincus said that this story became deeply engraved upon his soul. It instilled in him yirat Shamayim, reverence for Hashem, and left him with a powerful lesson for life.

What Is the Story Really Teaching?

The second story Rabbi Pincus remembered from childhood was Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

A little girl wandering through the forest discovers a house and simply walks inside. She sees three bowls of porridge and tastes them without permission. One is too hot, another too cold, and the third is just right, so she eats it. She later finds a comfortable bed and goes to sleep, only to discover that three bears live in the house. When they return, she runs away.

Rabbi Pincus invited his listeners to consider the unintended messages a child might absorb from such a story.

The child sees someone enter another person’s home without permission. Then she eats food that does not belong to her. If one bowl is not to her liking, she simply moves on to another. Even the opening description, which emphasizes the girl’s golden hair, can subtly teach a child to place undue importance on physical appearance.

Yes, Rabbi Pincus observed, the bears eventually arrive. But by the time the three bears enter the story, how many other “bears” have already entered the child’s mind?

The point is not merely about one particular children’s tale. It is about recognizing the enormous influence stories can have on a child’s imagination. Children do not necessarily separate entertainment from education. The images, behaviors, values, and assumptions contained within a story can become part of the way they understand the world.

That same power can be harnessed for good.

A story or parable can demonstrate the consequences of dishonesty, selfishness, anger, or impatience far more effectively than a lecture. Direct criticism often creates resistance because accepting it requires a person to acknowledge personal failure. A story, however, allows the listener to observe someone else’s mistake from a safe distance. The lesson can then enter the heart without provoking the same defensiveness.

What Do We Teach Children to Admire?

Parents must think carefully about what they praise.

When complimenting a child, we should focus primarily on the child’s actions, kindness, character, abilities, talents, effort, and other meaningful qualities. Excessive emphasis on physical beauty can unintentionally teach a child to evaluate both themselves and others primarily through appearance.

The same principle applies when parents speak admiringly about other people.

Children are extraordinarily perceptive. They notice subtle changes in their parents’ voices. They recognize enthusiasm, admiration, and excitement. If parents speak with genuine admiration about a righteous Torah scholar, a child learns that such a person represents greatness worth pursuing. If parents are far more animated when discussing wealth, status, physical appearance, or prestige, the child receives an entirely different message.

And that message may be far stronger than anything the parents explicitly teach.

Children Notice What Excites Us

If a father’s eyes sparkle when he describes an expensive new car or someone’s luxurious vacation, his children may conclude that material success is what truly matters, even if he regularly lectures them about the importance of spirituality.

But suppose his eyes light up when he describes a beautiful insight he discovered while learning Torah. Suppose he comes home moved by an act of kindness he was privileged to perform for an elderly person. Then his children absorb a very different hierarchy of values.

The Slonimer Rebbe, in Netivot HaChinuch, warns that when a household speaks admiringly about people who have money and know how to “enjoy life,” those expressions of admiration can penetrate a child far more deeply than repeated speeches about loving Torah.

When there is a contradiction between the lofty spiritual values parents say are important and the things that visibly excite them, the emotional message is likely to win.

Children are exceptionally sensitive to authenticity. They detect tone, excitement, disappointment, and joy. They learn what their parents truly value by observing their spontaneous reactions. Words that contradict those reactions can easily sound like empty rhetoric.

Teaching Without Giving a Lesson

Some of the most powerful education takes place when parents are not consciously trying to educate at all.

Imagine a child overhearing his father tell his mother, “I was so busy dealing with the bank and the mortgage today that I barely had time to learn Torah properly. I feel empty inside.”

Or perhaps he hears his father say thoughtfully, “I spoke to someone at work today, and I’m worried that I may have hurt his feelings. Tomorrow I need to apologize.”

The father was speaking to his wife, not delivering a lesson to his child. Yet the child has just received an extraordinary education in self-reflection, spiritual aspiration, the value of time, the importance of Torah learning, sensitivity to others, and the ability to admit a mistake and apologize.

Similarly, when parents genuinely honor Torah scholars and speak about them with admiration, while also showing pride and affection toward a child who returns home from yeshiva, they quietly create aspirations in the hearts of all their children. Torah, yirat Shamayim, good character, and derech eretz become things associated with warmth, admiration, and joy.

What Do Our Children See in Us?

A Torah scholar once approached Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach with a painful question. Why, he asked, had his own sons not grown into Torah scholars, while his neighbor, a working man, had merited that all of his sons became accomplished Torah scholars and rabbis?

Rabbi Shlomo Zalman, who knew both men well, gave him a penetrating answer.

The neighbor deeply respected Torah scholars. He treasured them, admired them, became visibly excited in their presence, and constantly spoke of them with reverence at home. His children naturally wanted to become what their father considered most precious.

In the other home however, the children frequently heard criticism of various rabbis and Torah scholars. Gradually, their aspiration to become like them weakened. Why would a child dream of becoming something that his own father so often criticized?

That story captures one of the most important principles of education. Children learn from what we tell them. They learn from the stories we choose for them. But perhaps most powerfully, they learn from us.

They notice whom we admire. They notice what makes us happy. They notice what disappoints us, what excites us, what we sacrifice for, and what we consider worthy of our time.

Ultimately, the question is not only, “What values am I teaching my child?” but also: “What does my child see that I truly value?”