Why Do Teens Leave Judaism? Looking Beyond the Crisis of Faith

In casual conversations with people who have left a Torah-observant lifestyle, the reasons they give for leaving often sound religious in nature: “The rules were closing in on me,” “The dress code felt suffocating,” “The mitzvot became too burdensome.”

Sometimes, those who have left genuinely believe these explanations themselves. But when the conversation goes deeper, when we examine what was happening in their lives and begin exploring the memories and emotions beneath the surface, a different and often much more painful reason may emerge.

Usually, it is a difficult memory, an emotional no-go zone that the person may barely allow themselves to approach. Over that locked and painful place, various explanations are sometimes constructed: arguments against religion that seem to provide a logical reason for leaving. These explanations can be easier and less painful to discuss than what lies underneath.

What Lies Beneath the Religious Questions?

That was the case, for example, in a conversation I had with Esther.

“I’m not like everyone else, and I couldn’t be like everyone else,” Esther declared defiantly at the very beginning of our conversation. “My mother couldn’t understand why I had to wear short skirts, for example, but that was me. I had to leave.”

As we spoke more deeply, however, a far more significant part of her story emerged.

“When I was 12, my sister died after battling an illness for two years. During those two years, my brother and I were almost entirely on our own. A few years after her death, our family went through another upheaval when my parents divorced. I couldn’t continue living inside all that pain. I had to escape.”

In cases like Esther’s, what appears to be a religious problem may actually be connected to something deeper. The arguments against religious life can sometimes become an explanation for an escape that began somewhere else entirely: in grief, loneliness, trauma, family instability, or emotional pain.

And leaving itself does not necessarily resolve that pain. If religious observance was never the true source of the distress, abandoning it cannot address the underlying problem. The original wound remains untreated, while the consequences of leaving may introduce additional difficulties.

When a Crisis of Faith Is Only the Surface

Again and again, in my conversations with teenage girls who are struggling, I encounter situations in which the apparent crisis of faith is only the outer layer of a very different crisis taking place underneath.

Family distress, academic struggles, and experiences of abuse or harm, God forbid, are among the painful circumstances that can appear repeatedly in the lives of these precious young people.

This perspective suggests that when a teenager begins rejecting religious life, it is important not to focus exclusively on theological questions or religious behavior. There may be an emotional story underneath that behavior that desperately needs to be heard.

A Different Generation, a Different Struggle

There is another important difference between our generation and previous generations.

In earlier eras, such as during the Jewish Enlightenment, questions of belief and philosophy occupied a central place in the minds of many Jews. People wrestled with the existence of God, the World to Come, the immortality of the soul, and other fundamental questions of faith.

Today, the conversation is often very different. Instead of having to demonstrate that there is “life after death,” we sometimes find ourselves having to demonstrate that there is meaningful life before death.

For many young people today, the central question is not necessarily intellectual. It is about whether life feels good, meaningful, enjoyable, and emotionally sustainable.

Among the girls who speak with me, the question, “Would I have more fun if I stopped observing the mitzvot?” comes up far more frequently than debates over proofs for God's existence or whether we are obligated to observe His commandments.

Why Adolescence Matters

The age at which many young people begin distancing themselves from religious observance also deserves attention. Adolescence, particularly around ages 14, 15, and 16, is a particularly vulnerable period.

If most people were leaving religious life at age 40 or 50, it might be easier to assume that the primary cause was a carefully considered intellectual or theological crisis. But when the struggle emerges during adolescence, emotional, social, developmental, and family factors should also be carefully examined.

That does not mean that teenagers cannot have sincere questions of faith. They certainly can. But those questions should not automatically be assumed to tell the entire story.

Look for the Pain Beneath the Behavior

There are many reasons why a young person may leave the path of Torah and mitzvot, and every individual has a different story. What appears on the surface as a religious crisis may sometimes be intertwined with something much deeper.

When a young person begins pulling away, do not look only at the skirt, the smartphone, Shabbat observance, or the questions about faith.

Look for the person underneath. Ask what happened. Ask what hurts. Ask what they have been carrying alone.

Sometimes, before addressing the questions of belief, we first need to discover the pain behind them.

Penina Leshem is the principal of Hidabroot’s high school and warm home for at-risk teenage girls.