Did I Marry the Wrong Person? Overcoming Doubt and Strengthening Your Marriage

Finally, after what felt like an exhausting battle, the children were asleep.

She sank onto the couch, propped her feet up on the ottoman, and took two deep breaths. As she reflected on everything she had accomplished that day, she felt a quiet sense of satisfaction. She had worked tirelessly, spent hours with the children playing games, helping with homework, and even doing arts and crafts. And, of course, she had managed bedtime, arguably the most challenging part of the entire day. Now, even the living room was tidy, and the dishes had been washed.

Yet alongside her sense of accomplishment, she felt utterly exhausted and emotionally drained. She longed for someone to notice her efforts, to offer a kind word, to give her a little attention after a day spent entirely on giving to others. Her eyes silently pleaded for recognition.

Her husband entered the living room after resting in the bedroom for a while. He placed his phone on the table, removed his socks, and casually tossed them onto the floor, as he always did. How many times have I asked him not to do that? she thought irritably. Then he settled down and opened something to read.

"Expectations only lead to disappointment," she muttered under her breath.

Her longing for connection quickly gave way to a simmering resentment that grew stronger by the second. "Well, after resting all day, you finally have some time to relax," she blurted out sarcastically.

She immediately regretted the remark. She hadn't meant to say it, but the words were already out, and there was no taking them back. Her husband sighed but said nothing. Instead, he fixed his gaze even more intently on the densely printed pages before him, as though they contained some particularly complex matter demanding his full attention.

Her eyes began to sting with tears, and an unsettling thought crept into her mind. What if I made a mistake? This isn't what I wanted! Why did I rush into marriage without thinking things through? And now I'm stuck with the choice I made...

The confusion threatened to overwhelm her. Yet just as the doubts began to consume her, something shifted.

Suddenly, she could almost hear the familiar melody that had accompanied them beneath the chuppah on their wedding day. She remembered the deep sense of security she had felt and the heartfelt prayers they had offered as they dreamed of building a home together, a home that would endure for generations.

Where had all this doubt suddenly come from?

She gently shook herself out of her thoughts. "Maybe we could go for a walk?" she suggested softly. "I worked really hard today, and I'd love to spend a little time talking with you. I'll ask the neighbor if she can come over and watch the children."

Determined to take action rather than allow her doubts to take hold, she reached out to her husband. He looked up from his book, broke into a broad smile, and got up to find his coat.

When Doubt Creeps Into Marriage

The question "What if I made a mistake?" is an extremely common one in marriage. After all, we were young when we made this life-changing decision, and there was no way we could have predicted what the future would hold.

Yet choosing to approach marriage with the firm conviction that this is the person I chose, and this is the relationship I am committed to can help us direct our energy toward strengthening the connection rather than undermining it. This principle does not apply to exceptional circumstances, such as abusive or otherwise harmful relationships, where professional guidance is essential.

From a Jewish perspective, Hashem is the One who brings couples together. The fact that a husband and wife stood beneath the chuppah and entered into marriage according to Jewish law gives spiritual significance to their union and reflects the belief that their marriage was guided by Divine providence.

Once we embrace the conviction that this is our spouse, rather than continually imagining a different partner, we can become more emotionally available to invest in the relationship and deepen our connection.

The Paradox of Choice: Why Constantly Questioning Our Decisions Can Undermine Happiness

Psychologist Barry Schwartz developed the theory known as the paradox of choice, challenging the Western assumption that having unlimited freedom to choose necessarily leads to greater happiness. Schwartz argued that an excessive number of options can actually contribute to disappointment, anxiety, and diminished satisfaction.

According to his theory, people who constantly search for the "best possible" option tend to experience greater emotional strain and disappointment than those who are content with something that is "good enough." One idea associated with his work is that recognizing a decision as final allows us to redirect our energy toward improving what we already have, rather than continually questioning whether we could have made a better choice.

Applied to marriage, this perspective offers a meaningful insight. When we constantly revisit the possibility that we chose the wrong spouse, we may become trapped in an endless cycle of comparison, uncertainty, and dissatisfaction. By contrast, when we stop treating every disappointment as evidence that we made the wrong decision, we can focus on the relationship itself, nurturing the connection, addressing difficulties, and finding ways to grow together.

A Marriage Made in Heaven: The Jewish Perspective

Faith adds another dimension to this understanding. It allows us to trust that our marriage is not merely the result of a personal decision, but is also part of Hashem's Divine plan.

The Talmud teaches in Sotah 2a: "Forty days before the formation of an embryo, a heavenly voice goes forth and declares: 'The daughter of so-and-so is destined for so-and-so.'" According to this teaching, a person's destined spouse is determined even before birth. Yet if our match is already ordained in Heaven, why aren't we simply told who that person is?

One explanation is that the effort involved in finding a spouse helps us appreciate and cherish the relationship. When something requires personal investment, we are more likely to recognize its value and work to preserve it, rather than abandoning it at the first sign of difficulty.

This perspective encourages us to view the challenges of marriage not necessarily as indications that something has gone wrong, but as opportunities to strengthen the bond we have been entrusted with. Although husband and wife may appear very different on the surface, Jewish spiritual teachings describe their deeper essence as fundamentally united, two parts of one soul expressed through two separate bodies.

The task of marriage, then, is not simply to discover someone with whom we share a life, but to continually nurture the deeper unity that connects us. Rather than allowing moments of frustration to turn into doubts about the entire relationship, we can choose to invest in understanding, communication, and closeness, rediscovering the bond that brought us together in the first place.

Excerpt from Moran Kors' new book, Shnayim Ochazin. The book is available for purchase through Hidabroot Shops.