How to Overcome Insecurity and Build Self-Confidence

“Who am I to ask for a raise?” “She's so much prettier than I am.” “What a lovely compliment, but honestly, I didn't do anything special.” “Why did I say that? I must have sounded so stupid.”

If these thoughts regularly cross your mind, welcome to a club that no woman ever willingly signed up for. Insecurity doesn't always sound like fear. Sometimes it shows up as hesitation to ask for what we deserve, a tendency to downplay our accomplishments, or harsh self-criticism after making a mistake. In Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers), the Sages offer timeless insights that can help us better understand insecurity, the need for external validation, and the fear of making mistakes.

Don't Let Fear Make Your Decisions

Hillel teaches: “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Avot 1:14). Rabbeinu Yonah, in his commentary on this teaching, explains that if a person does not motivate themselves to take action, no one else can do it for them. Encouragement from a friend, praise from a manager, or support from a family member can certainly help, but ultimately, the decision to send in your résumé, speak up at a meeting, or pursue an opportunity is yours to make.

The final part of Hillel's teaching addresses our tendency to wait for the perfect moment. “And if not now, when?” he asks. Don't allow fear to keep you waiting indefinitely or cause you to miss valuable opportunities.

One Mistake Is Just One Mistake

Rabbi Shimon teaches: “Do not regard yourself as wicked” (Avot 2:13). His words can also serve as a reminder not to rush into defining ourselves through negative labels. Instead of making a sweeping judgment such as “I'm terrible at this,” try using a more accurate and balanced description: “The assignment was complicated, and I wasn't able to finish it on time.”

The difference is significant. The first statement turns a single experience into a judgment about your abilities, while the second simply describes what happened. A mistake is an event, not an identity, and one disappointing outcome does not define your intelligence, competence, or worth.

Don't Measure Your Worth Against Someone Else's Success

In Pirkei Avot, Ben Zoma asks, “Who is rich?” and answers, “One who is happy with their portion” (Avot 4:1). It's natural to admire other women, draw inspiration from their accomplishments, and even aspire to achieve similar things. But someone else's success doesn't diminish your own value.

Being happy with your portion doesn't mean abandoning your ambitions or pretending that you have nothing left to accomplish. Rather, it means appreciating what you already have while continuing to grow. Instead of constantly comparing yourself to others, consider how far you've come. What have you learned over the past year? What have you managed to build? In what ways have you progressed?

The work you've done is still yours, and the skills you've developed remain part of you. Your achievements don't become any less meaningful simply because someone else has accomplished something impressive. Learning to recognize your own progress and appreciate your unique strengths, without constantly measuring yourself against others, is an important step toward genuine self-confidence.