Why You Don't Always Have to Say "I'm Fine": A Jewish Perspective

A friend sends you a WhatsApp message: “How are you? It's been so long since we talked.”

You start typing, “Listen, this week…” but then delete it. You try again: “My father is back in the hospital and…” but delete that too. In the end, you simply reply, “All good, baruch Hashem. And you?”

The truth is, you don't have the energy to explain everything, and you're not even sure where to begin. There's the bank account that slipped into overdraft halfway through the month, the worrying mammogram results, your mother who has started forgetting where she put her keys, and the teenager at home who keeps slamming doors. What you're going through doesn't fit into one message, or even ten.

When you bump into a neighbor in the elevator, it's easy enough to smile and say, “Everything's fine.” But when that becomes your automatic response to everyone, including yourself, the emotional weight you're carrying doesn't simply disappear.

Jewish wisdom offers a different approach. The Talmud, Tanach, and Midrash teach us that we don't always have to pretend everything is fine. Sometimes, the healthiest and most meaningful thing we can do is acknowledge what we're going through and give ourselves permission to seek comfort, connection, and care.

1. Share What's on Your Heart With Someone You Trust

The verse in Proverbs (12:25) teaches, “Anxiety in a man's heart weighs it down.” Commenting on this verse, the Talmudic sage Rav Ami explains, “Let him talk it over with others” (Yoma 75a).

In other words, when something is weighing heavily on your heart, don't feel that you have to carry it alone. Sometimes, simply speaking about what you're going through with another person can help ease the burden.

Choose someone you trust, whether it's your sister, a close friend, or your husband, someone with whom “I'm fine” doesn't have to be the answer.

And if you're feeling so overwhelmed that you don't have the energy to explain everything, find a simpler way to communicate. You might agree on a scale of one to ten to describe how you're feeling. Sometimes, saying “Five, with coffee” is enough for someone who knows you well to understand that you need a little extra support.

2. Open Your Heart to Hashem Through Prayer

When Eli the Kohen (priest) saw Chana praying in Shiloh, he noticed that “only her lips moved and her voice was not heard” (I Samuel 1:13). Mistaking her silent, emotional prayer for drunkenness, he confronted her.

But Chana's response revealed just how much pain she was carrying: “I am a woman of sorrowful spirit… and I poured out my soul before Hashem” (I Samuel 1:15).

Chana didn't pretend that everything was fine. Instead, she brought her pain, worries, and deepest emotions directly to Hashem. Her heartfelt prayer became so significant that our Sages derived many of the Jewish laws of prayer from her example (Talmud, Berachot 31a).

We can learn something powerful from Chana's approach. Prayer doesn't have to mean finding the perfect words or hiding our struggles. We can speak to Hashem openly and honestly about whatever is troubling us.

Try setting aside five minutes each day. Set a timer, find a quiet moment, and tell Hashem what you're going through in your own words. You don't need to organize your thoughts or make everything sound positive. Simply speak from the heart.

After a few days of making this a regular practice, you may begin to feel some of the emotional weight slowly lifting.

3. Remember That Taking Care of Yourself Is Also a Mitzvah

The Midrash tells a beautiful story about Hillel the Elder. One day, as he was leaving his students, they asked him where he was going. Hillel replied that he was on his way to perform a mitzvah (commandment).

Curious, his students asked which mitzvah he intended to fulfill. To their surprise, Hillel explained that he was going to the bathhouse to wash himself.

He then offered a powerful explanation. If statues of kings are carefully cleaned and maintained, how much more important is it to care for a human being, who was created in the image and likeness of Hashem? (Vayikra Rabbah 34:3).

Hillel's teaching reminds us that looking after our physical well-being is not something selfish or unimportant. Our bodies deserve care and respect, too.

Make room in your schedule for a half-hour walk, a proper lunch, vitamins when needed, regular medical checkups, and that doctor's appointment you've been putting off because there's never enough time.

It's easy to become so consumed with responsibilities, family, and the needs of everyone around us that we forget to look after ourselves. But caring for your own health and well-being is also a meaningful responsibility.

And the next time someone at home asks where you're going when you finally make time for yourself, you can answer just like Hillel: “I'm going to do a mitzvah.”