Dear matchmaker

There is no mazal when you talk about something—especially shidduchim. When I redt shidduchim I tell both parties that everything needs to be kept under wraps.  Some girls are not redt as many shidduchim or aren’t going out as much, and so it is natural that they will be jealous and hearing about others’ experiences is painful. Tell your daughter: “You don’t owe anyone an explanation.” It is also important to remember that a shidduch is not a shidduch until it is. Even if girls talk without using a boy’s name the other girls can figure out who she is talking about. We live in a small community no matter how large we think it is. Sit your daughter down and explain this to her. Tell her that talking is counter-productive. You want to do everything to facilitate getting married and this is part of it. So many situations have occurred.

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It has happened that girls have confided in their friends, only to find out that the friend gets engaged to that very boy. This has happened! Also, tell your daughter that she should be making her own decisions that aren’t clouded by her friends’ judgment. Young girls who lack life experience don’t need to talk to their peers. If they need guidance they should rather speak to a teacher, dating coach or mentor. After she gets engaged your daughter can redt shidduchim for her friends. But until then she should not discuss shidduchim. If a shidduch leaks out it  often ends up nowhere. This is a major problem with boys too. After a date, a boy comes back to the yeshivah dorm and often talks to his friends. The boys also think that if they don’t divulge the girl’s name it’s okay, but the boys figure it out! But that problem is a topic for another day….


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