Maximum Age Gap Between Spouses

Hello, 

A. It is brought in halacha that a young man should not marry an older woman, and likewise an old man should not marry a young girl (see Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer 2:9. However, there are exceptional cases in which one may be lenient in this, see Chelkat Mechokek there in the name of Sefer Chassidim, siman 379, and Aruch HaShulchan there, seif 6, and what is written on this in Responsa VeYaan David, part 2, siman 1). 

B. However, if both are considered young people, or both are considered older people, it is permitted for them to marry despite there being a gap of several years between them. In any case, ideally the man should not be more than ten years older than the woman (see Sefer Tiu Yehoshua in the addenda to Sefer Shmirat HaGuf VeHaNefesh, and in Sefer Orchot Rabbeinu, part 1, page 269). Even when the man is less than ten years older than the woman, one must always take the common reality into account: if he is much older, it is not so good, since the husband does not understand the nature of her soul, which is still younger, and everything depends on the circumstances (Netei Gavriel, Shidduchim VeTenaim, chapter 10, seif 5, and in the note there it states that this is what was heard from educators and knowledgeable people). 

C. It is good that the man be older than the woman, and this is beneficial for peace in the home (Segulot Yisrael, page 122b, letter 33 in the name of Sefer Tiu Yehoshua. And see also in Sefer Orchot Rabbeinu, part 1, page 269 in the name of the Kahalot Yaakov zt"l, that there is an objection if the woman is older than the man, because then she will rule over him). However, if he is offered a match with a woman who is older than him, and she has the other necessary qualities, the match should not be turned down because of this reason (see Responsa VeYashav HaYam, part 1, siman 20). There are those who say that if she is older than him by up to two years, there is no concern (Letters from the Baal Shevet Emet, letter 65; likewise cited in Netei Gavriel there, note b, from his teacher and rebbe from Pupa zt"l in the name of the Mahar"a of Belz zt"l, and that he likewise received from the holy Rabbi of Skver zt"l. See also Sefer Alenu LeShabeach, part 4, page 66 בשם the Chazon Ish zt"l). And there are those who say that up to five years there is no concern (see Responsa Chatzelet HaSharon, Even HaEzer, siman 63. Likewise see further in Netei Gavriel there, note g, that it is known that the rebbetzin of the Lev Simcha zt"l was five years older than him. And see there further, where he brought from Sefer Maor Chaim, part 5, in the name of His Eminence the Admor, author of Imrei Chaim of Vizhnitz zt"l, that up to four years there is no concern. It should also be noted in Sefer Paneinu Rabbeinu HaAvi Ezri, page 257, in the name of the Gaon Rabbi A.M. Shach zt"l, that there is no drawback in a match where the prospective bride is older than the prospective groom, and he said that his own wife was also four years older than he was). And in a time of pressing need, one may be lenient even when she is older (Netei Gavriel there, seif 3 in the name of Kovetz Kerem Shlomo). 

With blessing, Hillel Meirs