When Your Wife and Mother Don’t Get Along: What to Do?

"After several years of marriage, I’ve found myself in a situation where my wife and mother do not see eye to eye, to say the least. There is a subtle tension between them, and despite my efforts to smooth things over, it hasn’t worked. To make matters worse, my wife has recently decided that she doesn’t want to spend holidays with my parents due to the strain in their relationship. What should I do?"

The Emotional Shift After Marriage

Once a son gets married, the dynamics between him and his mother shift considerably. The son is now occupied with building his own home, and as a result, the time and emotional availability he once devoted to his mother naturally decrease.

For the mother, this transition can be deeply challenging. Before her eyes, a quiet revolution takes place: a new woman enters her son’s life and becomes the central figure in his world, while she herself is no longer the primary female presence in his daily life.

This new woman, who was not part of the family story until now, suddenly holds the most significant place in her son’s heart. From the mother’s perspective, this can feel painful and unfair. She invested years of devotion, care, and self-sacrifice in raising him, while the wife seems to receive the fruit of that effort without having gone through the same journey. When the son begins to seek his wife’s advice over his mother’s, the mother may experience this as rejection, which can unconsciously awaken competition and hurt. That, in turn, pushes the wife even further away.

Why the Husband’s Efforts Often Fail

Many husbands try to “keep the peace” by mediating or calming both sides, yet their efforts fail because they overlook the core issue: the wife needs to feel that she is the most important person in her husband’s life.

When this emotional security is missing, the wife may experience the mother-in-law as a threat or a rival. But when the husband consistently communicates through words and actions that his wife comes first, the sense of competition begins to dissolve.

Placing the Wife at the Center

The husband must actively express appreciation for his wife’s role in the home. He should let her feel that the warmth, atmosphere, and stability of their household exist because of her. Simple expressions of admiration, such as praising her efforts, valuing her opinions, and affirming her importance, can have a profound effect.

This approach does not contradict the obligation to honor one’s mother. A man can respect and appreciate his mother while still making it clear to his wife that she holds the central place in his life. The key is that, in his wife’s presence, his behavior should consistently convey that she is not in competition with anyone.

Healing the Relationship Over Time

When the wife feels secure in her position, something often shifts. She may begin to see her mother-in-law with greater empathy and understanding. Instead of viewing her as a rival, she may recognize the emotional difficulty of a mother who is adjusting to a new stage of life.

In some cases, this change of perspective can even lead the wife to appreciate her husband’s family more deeply and to recognize the value of having parents who care and are present.