Searching for a Match? 5 Tips from Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky

What can a person do when they are waiting for their soulmate and the process seems to be taking longer than expected?

According to a story shared by Rabbi Shmuel Baruch Gannot in his weekly column, someone once approached Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky with a heartfelt request. There was a yeshiva student whose two older sisters had not yet found their matches, and the situation weighed heavily on him. He found it difficult to focus fully on his Torah studies and asked for a blessing that his sisters would soon find their life partners.

What happened next surprised those present.

Rabbi Kanievsky, who was known for his concise answers, responded at unusual length.

"Take a Pen and Write It Down"

Instead of offering only a brief blessing, Rabbi Kanievsky instructed the man to take out a pen and paper and carefully record several pieces of guidance.

According to Rabbi Gannot, these were the points Rabbi Kanievsky emphasized:

1. Be extremely careful to avoid speaking lashon hara.
2. Refrain from speaking negatively about other people.
3. Do not hold grudges.
4. If there is concern that someone may have been hurt or offended, make every effort to seek forgiveness and restore the relationship.
5. Pray for friends and acquaintances who are also seeking a match.

These, Rabbi Kanievsky explained, are powerful spiritual steps that can help open the gates of blessing.

Learning to Carry Another Person's Burden

Rabbi Gannot connects this guidance to a well-known teaching from Shemot Rabbah.

The Midrash describes how Moshe Rabbeinu saw the suffering of the Jewish people in Egypt and did not remain a distant observer. Instead, he shared in their pain and sought ways to ease their burden.

The Midrash explains that because Moshe cared so deeply about the struggles of others, Hashem chose him to become the redeemer of Israel.

The message is clear: when a person genuinely feels another person's pain and concern, it has tremendous spiritual significance.

Everyone Is Carrying Something

Rabbi Gannot also quotes the teachings of Rabbi Noach Weinberg, who emphasized the importance of empathy.

According to Rabbi Weinberg, every person carries an invisible burden. Some struggle with self-doubt, others with disappointment, loneliness, family challenges, unrealized dreams, or personal hardships.

"The outward appearance of people does not necessarily reflect what is happening inside," he taught.

A person who appears cheerful may be carrying significant emotional pain. Someone who seems calm and confident may be facing difficult private struggles.

For this reason, Rabbi Weinberg encouraged people to train themselves to look beyond appearances and ask: What might this person be dealing with right now?

Developing that sensitivity can transform relationships with family, friends, spouses, and children.

Seeing the Struggles of Those Closest to Us

Rabbi Weinberg stressed that empathy begins at home.

A spouse who works hard throughout the day wants to feel appreciated and understood. Parents want their efforts to be noticed. Children want to feel that their struggles matter, even when they don't meet expectations.

True empathy means stepping into another person's world rather than focusing solely on our own frustrations.

When people learn to see life through another person's eyes, resentment often gives way to compassion and understanding.

A Kind Word Can Change Everything

Rabbi Gannot also shares a story about Rabbi Hirsch Pauli.

One day, Rabbi Pauli was riding on a crowded bus when an argument broke out between the driver and a woman who had boarded with a dog. The driver insisted she purchase an additional ticket for the animal, while the woman refused. The disagreement quickly escalated.

Seeing the tension, Rabbi Pauli walked from the back of the bus to the front and said with a smile:

"That dog is under five years old. Children under five ride for free."

The humorous comment immediately dissolved the tension. The driver smiled, the woman smiled, and the argument ended.

Sometimes all it takes is a kind word, a little empathy, or a willingness to ease another person's burden.

A Lesson Beyond Shidduchim

Although Rabbi Kanievsky's advice was given in the context of finding a match, the message extends far beyond shidduchim.

Avoiding negative speech, letting go of grudges, seeking forgiveness, praying for others, and developing genuine empathy are qualities that strengthen every aspect of life.

The stories shared by Rabbi Gannot serve as a reminder that when we focus not only on our own challenges but also on the struggles of those around us, we become better friends, better family members, and better servants of Hashem.

And sometimes, the blessings we seek begin with caring a little more deeply about someone else's journey.