Why Is It My Problem If She Cries?

In recent days, a video of a Member of Knesset at a meeting of one of the Knesset committees has gone viral in Israel. In the video, he rebukes an employee of a government ministry for failing to provide sufficient data. He criticizes her so aggressively that she breaks down in tears.

The video provoked two very different reactions. Some viewers were appalled by the manager's behavior. Others blamed the employee herself. Is it professional to cry at work? And what does it say about female empowerment if a woman breaks down in tears after being sharply reprimanded by her male boss?

One particularly indignant post I came across argued that this is exactly why its author refuses to hire women. He likes to yell at his employees and speak to them bluntly. Men, he claimed, can handle it. Women cannot. As evidence, he pointed to the now-viral video.

Do women really cry more easily than men? Whether that difference stems from biology or social conditioning is open to debate. Few, however, would deny that women generally come to tears more readily. The Talmud recognized this more than a thousand years ago: not as a weakness, but as an important consideration in how women should be treated.

The Torah forbids causing emotional pain to anyone: men and women, Jews and non-Jews, adults and children alike. But the Sages go a step further. They issue a special warning to husbands: be especially careful not to cause distress to your wife, because women are more easily brought to tears.

Many of those who mocked the crying employee would probably scoff at this warning as well. Why should women deserve special consideration simply because they cry more easily? If they want equality, shouldn't they toughen up? Shouldn't they develop thicker skin?

Yet the Talmud's teaching challenges not only those critics. Even people who believe employees deserve courtesy and restraint in the workplace, often speak far more freely at home. Home, after all, is where we let our guard down. When a spouse has upset us, aren't we entitled to say exactly what we think? Isn't honest—even justified—criticism part of a healthy marriage?

The Talmud's answer is striking. Whatever grievances a husband may have, it says, he must be especially careful about both the words he chooses and the manner in which he speaks to his wife.

Here is how the Talmud puts it:
A person should always be careful regarding causing hurt to his wife, because since her tears are readily found, retribution for her mistreatment is near.

Rabbi Elazar said: From the day that the Temple was destroyed, the gates of prayer were locked, as it is stated: “Even when I cry out and call for help, He shuts out my prayer” (Lamentations 3:8).

Nevertheless, even though the gates of prayer have been locked, the gates of tears have not been locked, as it is stated: “Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry; do not be silent at my tears” (Psalms 39:13).

We are taught, then, that tears matter. Causing another person to cry means that God will not remain indifferent to their tears. You may be this woman’s husband, and you may have a perfectly legitimate grievance—but if you behave in a way that makes her cry, you will still incur divine displeasure, with all its consequences.

Why does the Torah not simply expect women to toughen up? The Torah certainly does not view women as inherently weak. Women in the Bible are often depicted as true women of valor, and our sages speak extensively about women’s unique strength and influence. In the Jewish view, however, none of this contradicts the reality that women tend to cry more easily, and this is not a cause for derision, but for greater consideration.

Nor is this principle unique to women. There are many situations in which the Torah demands special sensitivity. A person who has repented of past misdeeds should not be reminded of them. A wealthy individual who has lost everything must be helped in a manner that takes into account the standard of living to which they were accustomed. In all such cases, we cannot say, “It’s not our responsibility; they should simply toughen up.” Judaism teaches us to focus on our own obligations rather than on the shortcomings of others. It is our responsibility to be sensitive and considerate, even when someone is mistaken or difficult. A person who cries too easily might benefit from professional help—but in the meantime, it is our duty to do our best not to be the cause of their tears.